I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago and wasn’t going to publish it. I have been very ill the past few days from a kidney infection and my doctor said I could have died from it. Wow, that’s a wakeup call. So I will publish this anyway because you never know when your time has arrived. I will be fine in a week or so they tell me so I apologize for being absent. Please enjoy what I have written as something positive, not negative. It is as it should be, honest and without apology:
I awakened early, just before daylight and I could hear thunder in the distance. Storms always draw from me layers of thought swirling through my consciousness, some compartmentalized while others group themselves as subsets of emotion and complexity. It was 5:30 as I thought of a lost love and not wishing, but reflecting on how we met, our first intimate touch and the bittersweet ending I knew would occur the first time we talked.
I tend to think as reflections of two opposites based primarily from the teachings of Lao Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching. I tell people that it is the 2nd most published book in history after the bible. Yin and yang; two sides; light-dark and both halves equal one whole. It is the logic of the universe and holds many answers to why things are. One could challenge my views on perception and I would never profess to have all the answers. Just then I thought of the time I was 6 years old envisioning how my 2 year old baby sister clamped her new teeth onto my father’s big toe. He actually cried from the pain. Now I see her grown and a psychologist. She preaches “reality therapy” where feeling bad or sorry for yourself is your own decision. I remember that advice! What? My decision? That was the last time I asked her:) My lost love? I still love her in my own way but would never, given the chance go back, be with her again. I dream of my soul mate, two halves becoming one and my heart yearns for what I’ve yet to find. But I have found. I wonder if I have a past life, as someone evil and heartless and now, I am paying for it. I believe there is another reason, so I rationalize. The first time I saw her I knew. I was engulfed in flames of chi (or ki in Japanese; my vital energy of breath) and knew again what would occur. The unattainable dream of something so perfect, yet impossible. I fell in love at first site. Not just from her beauty or personality, but something altogether different than any hope or dream could imagine. I felt the loss before I ever spoke to her. Many would say I was negative but that’s not it at all.
My sense of what a person feels is much too keen for my heart to withstand. When someone loves or hates, I know. Somehow, often before I meet them or when their not there. Knowing this enables me to hide my feelings, saying just the right words so someone may be spared from my feelings, which I hold in. Two inches below the navel is a humans center of gravity or “Tan Tein”. In yoga it is the center of the universe. I release all my pain into the void through this channel. Maybe strange to some but to think and feel as the masters of ancient arts like yoga or gung-fu must be experienced to comprehended.
I again think of that lost love. She demanded love from me early on but I resisted. She wanted to make love and I didn’t. She was about to move back home which was 200 miles away so I spent the night with her, but we only slept. I was looking for real love. Sex too soon, especially with her being so demanding, I could not. She moved finally but we were on the phone endlessly. Two weeks later I went to see her and love had set in. Like euphoric first time teenagers we fell in. Things were so wonderful and I truly fell in love for her. I can still smell her sweet skin and hear her voice. Our first kiss sitting on the beach. She began shoving cinnamon gum in her mouth and handed me some. We felt it coming and it was like our first kiss. We felt like teenagers experiencing our first taste of passionate embrace.
I bought her a ring, necklace and earrings for Christmas which I selected, spending 8 hours deciding which to give her. It wasn’t a marriage proposal but was a gift of love. I was so happy and proud of what I got her. When I gave it to her she was, seemingly appreciative. The next weekend when I saw her she wouldn’t get up from bed to say hello. Something had changed. She said nothing but I knew she had been with someone else. My whole visit she stayed in the bathroom. Finally I learned she was on the phone and just then, a flower delivery came for her of two dozen roses. I’ll end here as it was a sad, unexpected and truly undeserved ending to the love I gave her. I didn’t deserve that pain. I deserve love and I will find it.
I then think of my soul-mate who I cannot have as circumstances are misaligned. I know there is a lesson but I still wonder how it is possible to be in this position. I don’t feel sad now, but why could not I have been in the right place at the right time? I wasn’t at all looking for someone when I met her. but that changed when I fell in love with her instantly. That has never happened before, and I accept my loss though I never had anything. I didn’t mean to and it came out of nowhere. Falling in love with the one woman I have dreamed of accidentally was not planned. It would be my dream fulfilled if. . .
I will find someone else and she remains my good friend. How the mysteries of life unfold, I will accept only friendship because we have learned so much about ourselves through it and no bitterness remains. Happiness has found a home, miraculously in my mind. So absurd I know, but poetic and meaningful. Something good is going to happen for me. I feel it coming and as before it’s not a guess; it just is. I don’t know what is going to happen or if I will meet someone new. After all I’ve been through, I’m in no hurry to find out but I will when it happens. These are my exact thoughts, written as best as I can describe on this day. It is now 6:30 AM, I am ready for what my life will bring. I fear nothing and walk into my future with my head held high knowing, I have made the right choices. The past two weeks have changed my life. I feel like a new person, thanks to a special someone who turned out to be good 
I had to release this because if not, it would forever hang in my heart:)
Rolando has a post on love, and it’s great related content! Love Hurts
