A Reason To Blog
First I want to talk about something that many of us suffer from but often feel ashamed of. Depression. I suffer from severe depression. For example, today I fell into a blackened pit of misery so dark that I threw up no less than 20 times. It caused me to cry uncontrollably for hours. All the while I am engulfed in visions of being killed over and over. The visions are the good part as odd as that may seem. I have almost died many times and being killed doesn’t scare me. Once while driving at 70 mph on an icy road (young and stupid) my car began spinning like a fan blade and I went off the road, sliding into a depression about 25 feet deep. When done, my heart didn’t even beat faster. It felt insignificant to me. A guy pulled up in a wrecker and asked me if he could pull me out. This happened less than 5 minutes after the incident.
Martial arts training for 30 years has enabled me to use fear as my friend. If you hit me, I’ll like it. If you hit me real hard I’ll love it. If you break something you’ll be my best friend but I’ll break 2 of yours - it’s all in the name of love. Depression on the other hand will make me cry like a baby and require assurance from friends and family that they will be there for me. While being depressed I have lucid daydreams of being eaten by crocodiles, ripped into blood drenched chunks of meat and bone. I look up and peer down the throat of a great white shark as my arms are sheared from my body, the thunderous clap of it’s mighty jaws snapping closed. Then I am lying there with no legs or arms on a mound of fire ants as they finish me off. These visions are what I think about to keep me from being afraid! I cannot explain it, but they keep me pacified until the depression passes. I began slipping into a depression today, but I have beaten it. It only took me 14 hours. It used to take 6 months or longer. I thank one special friend who somehow managed to help me get my head straight. Thank you.
Now I feel better. If you suffer from depression and need someone to talk to, I will talk to you. People who don’t suffer have a hard time understanding it. That’s ok. They are lucky and I’m glad they don’t understand, they don’t want to know. Since I feel like a normal person again I have written the following for everyone, I hope you enjoy it 
In this modern world of incredible technology, highly developed intellects and rich philosophies, how is it that human kind is still filled with hatred? I live in the southern United States where racism has been an integral of our everyday lives. I was lucky enough to have parents who taught me that we are all created equal and should never look down on anyone regardless of their nationality, their job or where they live. I live these lessons every day of my life and I am proud of that. I would happily die for that. They also taught me not to find things wrong with people, but to find something good about them instead. There is a reason why I blog and I assure you it is not to be popular. This may sound ridiculous to some people and sometimes it sounds ridiculous to me. I hope in some small way that I will help make an impact on the way people perceive the world. We as human beings live so far below our capabilities in so many areas it makes me sick sometimes. We are very animal-like in our actions and you can turn on the news anytime and see that.
I am neither a republican or a democrat and personally I can’t see being either. Lets look at things on a smaller scale; ourselves. It is in each of us that decisions are made and we should be the ones making the decisions! Would you not agree that the easiest thing in the world is to not do something? I would love to hear, “Here’s your paycheck, go home and don’t work!”
That’s all you have to do when it comes to hating others, or wishing horrible things for people - just don’t hate. It’s easy. It’s the easiest thing in the world. I have a crazy belief that we bloggers are having an effect on world peace. It’s beneath the surface of what we see on the news but it is there. I have said this before and I’ll say it again:
We as bloggers, have a responsibility to ourselves and our neighbours form all across the world, to realize just how much power we actually have and the great things we are capable of to change things. Whether we realize it or not, we are changing things simply by communicating with each other through the craft of writing. Writing requires intelligence and blogging is writing! No matter if you write a personal blog or a money blog or whatever, you are communicating with the most diverse range of people imaginable!
I respect anyone for taking the time to write a blog and make friends from all over. It is important. You are important. Take pride in knowing that blogging is a force of communication unlike any other. It is the communication medium of the intelligent human being. I am here to communicate and enjoy my good friends and learn, laugh and enjoy the greatness that we all share.
It’s been a monumental week for me here and I am smiling right now because of all my good friends. I am moving on to this new day without looking back and we should all show some extra love to all of our blogging buddies from across the world this week. Why? Because I said so LOL! I have a lot of comments to type and a lot of people to see. Bottom line? Be proud to blog and do something nice for someone. Write something good about somebody. Write a comment on that one blog you never do. Give a little extra positive love to your fellow bloggers and don’t be shy. It’s a great day to go show some love, so get to it
The shark picture I cannot remember where I got it. If it is yours, let me know and I’ll properly giver you credit. I have had it on my pc for years.
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I hope you are alright. You got me worried reading this post. You threw up so many times… need to replenish your water consumption. I stumpled across a few bloggers writing about depression recently. it is getting more serious nowdays. This is my advise. Listen to some soothing music… lie down, close your eyes & think of nothing….let your mind & body relax …. It really helps when I am stressed at times. I hope it works for you.
Visit nafa… they have nice soothing music at the background. You will feel warming & calm.
Take Care, my friend
Janice: It happens sometimes and I have no real control of when or how. It happens during happy times and sometimes it happens during bad times. I have practiced yoga for relaxation for many years but nothing has helped so far. This year I have been fortunate to not have that many episodes like this. This was a short one but the most intense I have ever experienced. Sometimes I believe I was a bad person in a past life and am being paid back. I thank you for being such a joy and great friend to me, you have helped me a great deal whether you know it or not. Thanks Janice:smile:
I may not be able to understand what you’re going through but I salute you for your courage, your positivity and for being an encouragement and beacon of light to others. Bravo!
Blur Ting: Thank you! Right now having you say this has been a big help and you are very sweet:smile:
Bobby! Get out of your depression!
Talking it out is always a good idea and I’m glad to see ur feeling much better! My best friend’s mom suffers from depression and it’s really sad to see her lookin blur sometimes, not knowing this from that. So don’t be too depressed cause life is wonderful. Remove the bad stuff from ur life and look forward to tomorrow with hope and confidence. We know you can do it and yes…listening to music does help! Hope u won’t pass on Nafa’s soothing music this time around. Take care and stay healthy and for goodness sake, be more careful when ur driving!! HUGS! 
Mariuca: It all started when I was around 7 years old. I listen to music all day, I’m a musician! You have made me feel so much better:) Of course, you always do. Thank you for your sweet sugar sunshine and your lovely friendship:smile:
Bobby is talking about Karma …by now, I think those bad things you have done in your past life…should have all be reciprocated. From the time I know you till now. You are always lending a help & doing good deeds. You must take care of your health. Bobby said that he is 62 now, not 26 ok…I pray for your good health
Janice: I don’t know if I have a past life but in this one I do all I can to help others. Being 62 years of age and looking like a 30 year old has been a blessing for me ha ha ha…like getting pretty, sweet girls like you to come visit an old guy like me he he he! Thanks Janice:smile:
Wolfgang: Thank you so much! I may just take you up on it some day. Depression is very misunderstood and many people are ashamed to be called such. I once lost a girlfriend because her friends told her she should go for someone without mental illness. That made me fall apart. She said she was afraid her family and friends may look down on her for dating a mentally sick person so she dumped me. I now realize that she is the one who has a problem, not me:) I am glad you liked the second part of my post because I think it is one of the most important subjects that any blogger can write about. There are few subjects that rival making bloggers aware of the untapped potential of what could really be accomplished if more of us took part in spreading this idea. We could literally change the world. I haven’t given up hope that before I die, that we will:smile:
Bobby,
Sorry to hear you are one of the silent millions suffering from this misunderstood illness. I have a lot of (informal) experience with depression and during the last few months of my teaching career, I experienced it first-hand instead of just helping those I love deal with this debilitating condition. So, I know how you feel. If you ever need someone to talk to, I humbly offer my services. You are truly one of the most kind and helpful people I have met online. Any help I could give would be the least I could do to repay you for past and future kindnesses.
Starting with my brother, many people in my life have lived the challenges of depression (he was actually bi-polar borderline schizophrenia). Some of my closest friends also deal with this on a regular basis (one of my closest, a former staff member, suffers from severe depression and NPD - they are actually fairly common partners, even though you wouldn’t think so) and the students I always bonded most closely with were those who were living with depression. I’d like to think that I’ve helped them a great deal (many a night spent talking on the phone, many a late night drive to a friend’s house). If ever I can help, please don’t hesitate.
As for the second half of you post… Amazing!!! Well said, sir. I believe that this growing community of interconnected people is slowly changing the worlds through the sharing of information of ideas and the connecting of people who would otherwise never meet. I have enjoyed linking to blogs I like on my blog and watching my readers discover other blogs that they didn’t read before. Sharing something you like with others is a great feeling.
It is a powerful medium and with great power comes great responsibility. Each of us serves as an ambassador for blogging and the blogging community. We should welcome new people into our world. You do an excellent job of that.
Thank you for this post!
It’s posts like these that have made me a life-long friend of Bobby Revell. I always click away from here a better person. Thank you, Bobby.
And I am really digging that martial arts analogy. You might get me, but you will definitely have had to earn it the hard way… with all due respect.
I don’t suffer depression so much as I suffer from self-doubt. However, I can empathize with what you are/were going through. I don’t have any answers for you, my friend. But it sounds like you have someone very strong to lean against, and that can sometimes make all the difference.
Stay strong, Bobby, you are not alone.
Seiche: We all have some kind of issue. I think most people hide theirs and are embarrassed by them. I think there is something about martial arts that just strips a person bare to reveal the truth. I have been hurt fighting so many times and after I got over my initial gun-shyness of being hit I almost enjoyed the pain. That pain felt good compared to the emotional pain and maybe that’s sick - it is true though. I like your analogy too! I am going to be focusing this blog the way I originally started out. I dabbled in the money thing but things just didn’t feel right. I value your friendship till the end my friend:smile:
We’re always here for you buddy, you know that. Good to hear you’ve bounced back. Welcome back
Brown Baron: You have been there to help me out everytime. You are a great friend and I would do anything for you:smile:
Reading some of your posts I can’t help but think how “out of control” you are…then I look at your experiences…martial arts…yoga…and know you will be ok…
Some great advice from the ladies though…
Adrian Keys: If I were in control, I wouldn’t have a problem. It at times, is far more powerful than you might imagine. I wish with all the things I know I could control it. I am still working on that:smile:
Ha ha, Janice your comments are always so funny! Bobby, 62 years old is nothing compared to the attention bein doted on u by ur angels! Bask in it!
Mariuca: You girls are very silly but also very uplifting. Truthfully Marzie, you really have a way of cheering me up and you really are an angel:smile: I turn 63 this December, I could use a box of those old people diapers. It’s so embarrassing to buy a whole new box every week:smile:
Bobby, it seems we have more and more things in common. Reading your post above, I really felt for you. I;d also suffered from severe depression almost 10 years ago when my fiance left me. Here in Malaysia, calling off something as big as a wedding isn’t a simple affair like in the west. Here, the incident did not just end with me and my ex. Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t keep our family away. Everything had to be formal. It’s the tradition. I was already stressed out. So, imagine when the girl’s parents arrived with her brothers and uncle in tow, and from my side theres my cousins, uncle, even my father’s friend. Everything became chaotic right from the start. There were name callings, accusations, everything that wasn’t was private became public that day. And can you believe it, I almost slugged my ex’s father in the face. I totally lost control. I’m lucky my cousin was there to stop me from becoming a murderer, for the father is really old, and he’d definitely wouldn’t survived being knock off in the face. Anyway, it became huge news in the community. We became huge gossips fodder. I just couldn’t have cared less, but mother took it very badly. She became ill. Looking at her sad face, something inside me cracked. I just can’t take it to see my mom like that. And instead of looking after her, ashamedly, I ran away. I went back to my rented house and locked myself in. I would just lie in bed, I cannot eat, I shut everybody off. I had a good business at that time, but I couldn’t care less. I really had no will power left. I was seriously considering suicide. This went on for almost a whole week. I was lucky my family never gave up on me. My cousin came, broke the door down, and whisked me off up north to the borders to see a bomoh (shaman) for spiritual healing. Everything after that became a bit of a blur to me. But suffice to say, I did recover. I also took up the martial art of silat which really did strengthen my mind a bit. But somehow, I don’t think I’ve completely recovered. Even now, there are days when I just couldn’t do anything except to lie down, my mind going blank. I used to be a cheerful happy go lucky guy, but now I’m very introverted and pessimistic. Now, I listen a lot as I don’t feel like talking. I definitely am not a good talking partner. If we’re to meet, You’d definitely find me boring.
I can only express myself in writings and in poetry. I guess when you were depressed once, it never goes away. We are a cursed people, you and me.
Anyway, just take it easy okay. Just don’t do anything stressful yet.
Joezul: I appreciate you opening up so much as you just did. I see now where you get your poetry from. Poetry comes from pain. I have read very few good poems that came from happiness. They come from pain and produce happiness in the people who read them. I am not quite as introverted as you. I am actually quite loud and love to tell jokes and make people laugh when in a group situation. I have had many people throughout the years tell me in a serious way that I should do stand up comedy. I guess I just don’t see what they see. I assure you that if we met though, I could make you burst out in laughter. Even if it you were just laughing at me and how goofy I actually am in person. Depression is a curse in some ways but in other ways it gives the person insights unattainable in any other way. Thanks for sharing your life in such an open way. I am here but know you will always have a friend here, and that is on my word:smile:
Hi Bobby,
I used to suffer from depression when I was a teenager, it’s what I call “The Pit Of Despair” and I know, it’s really hard to climb out. I’m wishing you well, and I hope you feel better, I’ll say a prayer for you tonight. (Big Gigantic Hug) Take Care:)
Christy: Thank you. That is so nice of you and you brought a smile to my face:smile:
“That?s all you have to do when it comes to hating others, or wishing horrible things for people - just don?t hate. It?s easy. It?s the easiest thing in the world. I have a crazy belief that we bloggers are having an effect on world peace. It?s beneath the surface of what we see on the news but it is there.”
That was awesome, Revellian.
I have a history of Major Depression, so I know where you are coming from and how crippling it can be. I have a huge affinity for broken people like me. Some of my favorite bloggers are those that are very candid about their struggles with depression and how they rise above it.
Ingrid: I used to wish bad things on happy people because their lives seemed so perfect and they never had to go through what I went through. I had one married friend that’s life was just so great I often thought, what if his bride had slept with his best friend the night before the wedding. And, what if it happened the next 5 times he had a new bride. How would his life be then? Well, that is pretty much nothing compared to the hell I have gone through. I learned that these things aren’t my fault. Once I realized that, I stopped wishing others to have to suffer as I have. It changed me as a human being. Now, when I see someone have these great lives filled with bliss, I tell them how lucky they are. Often, they really don’t realize how lucky. I cannot give up hope in my life even though I truly believe most people would not have made it had they had my circumstance. I have been to hell and back many times and I pray everyday that I one day will find just a little happiness. That’s why I am so against prejudice and hatred. I do love myself and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. So lets not look at ourselves as broken. Let’s see ourselves as people who have seen reality and know firsthand the truth in pain and pleasure. I will not give up because luckily, I don’t know how to:smile:
Hi Bobby!
This is my first time here.
Depression has been a close friend some years back but I managed to tear myself away from its stranglehold. BTW, is it serious enough to be bipolar (yes, I might be watching too much of HOUSE MD)?
Since you’re into martial arts, have you ever considered doing traditional Taijiquan? I don’t mean those Qigong or Taiji-like exercises,but real traditional sort with an internal focus, and with its underlying martial applications properly taught.
It can be quite calming, and takes the edge off any creeping crankiness or lousiness. You can keep doing continuous sets until you work it all off. At the end of it,you feel refreshed and balanced!
Just my 2 cents here.
Jas: I have practiced many internal systems of martial arts and will say without them, I would be dead right now. That has been what has saved me. The depression that sometimes takes over is in my opinion, brain chemistry. It is so overwhelming that nothing I have ever tried has even remotely come close to alleviating the pain. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. What has helped me more than anything else is when other people reach out and show they care. That is the cure in my book. Thank you very much for coming by and it is nice to meet you:smile:
oh bobby,, i feel for you depression sucks.. and i know first hand… whereas i never suffer from the lucid dreams you say you are having,, i feel as if i have done all i can here,, and it is time to go… i never do go… i stay,, because i know it gets better… somehow some way things change sometimes sowly,, sometimes over night,, and i will once again be given something anything ,, a reason to live… and i am on the road again….
stick your thumb out honey… someone here will definitely give you a ride
<p>Paisley: Lucid dreams are something I learned a lot about when in my early teen years. When yoga practitioners talk about things like astral travel or leaving your body, they are in a way talking about lucid dreaming. I used to dream I was being hunted down by a bloodthirsty killer and when finally facing this monster, my arms wouldn’t move and I couldn’t walk. Eventually I lost all fear in these situations and now I can have a lucid dream at will, even while awake. So it’s not a bad thing. What’s bad is a feeling of loneliness and despair that overcomes my entire existence when I begin falling into depression. This feeling of absolute isolation and being uncared for in any way is crippling and scares me worse than anything in the world. It’s nice to see you, I haven’t been myself lately but I thank you so much for coming by, it really means a lot to me:smile:</p>
Hola Bobby, glad to hear you are okay. We hopped out from Emila’s blog to cheer you up.
I am the adorable little chick. Pumpkin the cat, Lulu the ladybird, Owen the owl and Bebe the bird are here with me as well. We just wanted to wish you a happy day and hear this song:
You’re our Honeybunch, Sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you’re our Sweetie Pie
You’re our Cuppycake, Gumdrop
Snoogums-Boogums, you’re the apple of our eyes
And we love you so and we want you to know
That we’ll always be right here
And we love to sing sweet songs to you
Because you are so dear!
Cheers Bobby!
Dixie the chick & friends
Dixie the chick: Ok, you actually made me laugh and smile really big. Thank you very, very much:smile::grin::lol:
Hi Bobby.
I feel really sorry that you go through these circumstances in your daily life. Depression hit me once before, and boy, was it bad. And I understand that some people find it hard to comprehend. Meditating helped me a lot besides the other out-of-the ordinary stuff which I did, to get over the bad times.
Just remember this … You are a great person! I’m with you buddy, all the way
Nihal: Meditation has definetly helped me through the years and I find it a necessary part of my daily life. I was very apprehensive about writing this post but it seems I cannot hide from the truth. Thank you for being such a great friend:smile:
Wow - very touching *and* positive essay, Bobby!
Mentarch: Part of the reason for the 2nd half of this post was because of you! Thank you:smile:
Hi BIG GUY! im glad you are better now. Two thumbs up for your courage to open up yourself to us. Should you need someone to talk to, you have 3 angels here
Take good care of yourself! *HUGZ*
<p>Jean: Without you and my other two sweet angels, I just don’t think I would be blogging anymore. Thank you for being you:smile:</p>
Bobby~I have battling clinical depression since 1996 when my youngest son died and then my mother(age 64) died 12 months later. I know where you have been. My latest bad pit episode was in January/February when my 18yo bipolar son quit high school his senior year. I’m doing pretty well now. I do use pharmeceuticals to help. I am studying for my BSN and the areas I am interested in are mental health and pain management. Yup 45 and still have 3 years of school to go.
Hugs for you.
From the OTHER Janice.
if you ever need to talk……..
Janice: Thank you for sharing that with me. I have never taken any pharmaceuticals on a regular basis. I had worse problems when I did. I hope your son is ok, I hate to hear that. Here’s a hug for you too! Only 45? I thought you were 25:smile:
You smooth talker you. I feel 28 most of the time. Age is a relative term. My son has stopped his mood stabilizer and doesn’t seem any different. He’s BP2 and I’ve seen one hypomanic time period. My youngest brother is hypomanic always. He doesn’t take meds, but he used to work as a waiter and the extra energy helped him be a great waiter. My brother never gets the downs. My son is just a flake. We’d really like him to get a job since he sin’t in school.
It took me a long time to find a med that worked for me. Serzone which was taken off the market 2 years ago. What I take now is ok and the side effects are minimal.
Since the med is helping I don’t want to take a chance by stopping it and the withdrawel is a bitch. I had withdrawel after Serzone even though I was weaning up on another med………..a week of tight muscles, hot sweats, cold sweats, migraines, feeling totally awful and anxiety. It was a loooooong week.
I’m glad you can cope without meds. Thanks for the reply.
Thats right about age being a relative term. I am 41 but I feel 25. I can still do a full side split and I as limber a a rubber band! My sister is a psychologist and tells me I don’t have a brain chemistry problem but a psychological problem. I have had too many heartbreaks, more than anyone I know personally. Twenty-three if my count is correct. I am proud to say that I only was intimate (real intimate) with five. Most guys would never say that. I refuse to go to that point just casually like all my guy friends do. Most of them are in serious relationships but the relationships they have for the most part are not exactly what I’, looking for. There I go talking only of my self again. Thanks for talking to me tonight, I wish for you to have great success in your life and mental well-being
I believe that following your passion is what we are meant to do, in addition to being born, having kids & death. The problem is most of us are unable to discern between passion and the desires of human nature. I was one who used to flitter away time watching TV (”entertain me”.) Now, unless it is a show that I REALLY enjoy, after watching TV I feel dirty. We have a joke in our house about loosing IQ points after watching a contrived show.
I feel very lucky that in addition to my work, which I enjoy, I can follow my passion. My passion is writing about attitude and the internet gives me an audience and the ability to interchange ideas, philosophies and life experiences with people from around the world.
While blogging, I can feel my intelligence actually increasing. And, I believe that I am giving something worthwhile to the world. We are indeed very fortunate people, and I take blogging very seriously, while having the time of my life. I can?t wait to get behind the computer and blog. I am just a little concerned that it doesn?t become an obsession.
By the way, I have linked my site to yours.
Wow thank you for sharing this! I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog. Depression is a very complex medical issue that nobody really fully understands it - sometimes not even the person who’s going through it. Keep up the good work man!
Mel: Well, if it is an obsession, it’s a much better obsession than tv!
I am glad you found your way here to my blog, I think we feel similarly about blogging. I’ ll come by and give you a link back
After the comment you left on my blog I became intrigued and wanted to read as much about what you wrote about…the process of becoming. this is the first post i found so far and i have to say i can totally relate with you on the depression thing…I am what is called a “Bipolar” and although I love the manic highs that come with this disorder the deep dark depths of the depression are almost unbearable! I agree so much with what you wrote in regards to focusing on the similarities between people…often I have found that I slip into that mode where I see nothing but the differences…but that’s only my way of keeping out the message of hope that others bring before me…I’m in recovery and the most important thing they stress is for us to FOCUS on the similarities and not the differences..just this little morsel of thought allows me to experience a whole new perspective in life and allows me to for a moment in time see that I am more like people then different
Mighty Morgan: I had 2 other blogs long before this one also. I’ll need to republish some other articles from my older blog which is mostly about philosophy and Taoism! My sister is a psychologist and she had a term for my personality disorders but I cannot remember what she called it. It is closely related to bi-polar but is less severe.
We should all look at the similarities to one another instead of nationalistic pride in our differences! One thing blogging has done for me is teach me that we are all one people. I don’t care where you are from or the color of your skin, we are all related somewhere down the line
Bobby,
Thank you for sharing your experience with depression. At some point in everyone’s life, most people suffer from some type of depression. My depression is based on the fact that I can no longer work, the constant pain and fatigue I deal with daily. It is normal to feel depressed for many reasons. I want to share this particular post with you and others, here goes:
Monday, May 21, 2007
Join me in making today a better day
Today is the day I will turn on music and make myself smile and dance and see the world in another way.
Come along, come along and help me make it there. I say to myself.
Somebody is going to help me and I am going to help them. Now I am laughing, though I know someday I will be crying again.
However today I focus on the positive and enjoy my music and life as it is.
Join me and turn on the music.
Labels: My Own Experience
posted by Fibro Viv @ 1:24 PM
I hope this helps you and others when dealing with depression.
You Friend,
Viviana
Viviana Walters’s last blog post..Three Generous Helpful Men!
Thanks Viv!!!!! What a wonderful thought! I haven’t felt depressed in a few months so I am fortunate!