I’ve recently come to terms with something and have a clarity about myself that is both disturbing and good; I now have new goals because of this. What scares you? What is your greatest fear? Do you envy others? Are you greedy? Would you be emotionally hurt from losing money? Would losing a friend hurt more? My greatest fear is being left.

Having a friend or family member just disappear with no goodbye or explanation. Most of my relatives I grew up having in my life have all moved far away. I think this had an effect on me early on and also the death of my father.

My father and I had no relationship at all except for hatred and loathing. When he became sick from cancer with only a few weeks to live, we became friends. My father, once bed ridden, thought because of his neglecting his son – that I would laugh and tell him good riddance. I surprised him, this hardened military man had a softness buried inside that I quickly recognized.

I forgave him and instead of his dying days being filled with despair and sorrow, they were filled with the greatness of love and happiness. My sister and mother actually saw his last moment. He had been comatose for 3 days and we were waiting for his last breath. My sister said that he awakened suddenly, opened his eyes and smiled. He almost sat up reaching both of his arms as if to hug someone. She said he looked joyous and loved, his arms reaching straight up. He then fell back and was gone. She said, “Dad went to heaven.”

My best friend growing up, left me behind without even a phone call. I was told one day that he had married and moved away. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. He was my roommate in college and we were inseparable. We also were funny. We made people laugh, fall on the floor gasping for breath everywhere we went. We had a great time. I have an old myspace account that I never use anymore. I got an e-mail about someone trying to be my friend on myspace. I checked it out and discovered it was him.

My best friend who left me behind with no explanation, after 6 years, tried to be my friend on myspace. I cannot believe that he would do that. I didn’t accept. If he wanted to ask me for forgiveness he should have come to see me face to face and asked. I can tell you that he would never ask as he could never realize that he needed to. He cannot see a reason. That’s a good enough reason for me to forget about this person and finally move on.

Now I am realizing I cannot walk around fearing that friends will just leave. I have discovered that most people aren’t like my friend. Most people talk things through. I am working on this issue, and writing this is good therapy. I feel great today and I feel happy. I am putting more and more behind me everyday and growing as a person for the first time:)