This is a picture of my friend Randy Hover from Long Beach Mississippi. Randy is locally known for getting more pussy than perhaps any male in the entire history of Harrison county (it’s true). He’s forgotten about more lays than most guys ever conceptualize. One Thanksgiving while Randy, myself, and several other degenerate scoundrel intoxication-masters of fun became too high to realize we were conscious, his mother snapped and beat him to death with a ball-peen hammer. She leaned down and morbidly suckled the coagulated blood gristle from his profusely bleeding lacerations and screamed the still undecipherable phrase, “Shala-Alghor! I serve my master with perpetual passion until my soul merges as one with Leviathan.” We stood in shock but were so tweaked on powerful chemical substrates, we could only watch in a trance of putrid elation. After being disemboweled by his mother, his father picked him up from the taxidermist (they did a fantastic job!). We thought he looked great compared to how he looked before his mother burrowed a cleft in his skull, transforming his face into a blackened blood-pit. Every Christmas, his mother places a candle in his hollowed out skull and lights it at the stroke of midnight.

Randy Hover - Faceless friday

Randy Hover - Faceless friday

Below is a picture of how he looked before the shotgun blast: As you can see, he was an unusual looking fellow (affectionately known as the human lizard). I remember how he was always covered in dirt from crawling under the house looking for mice. He could tell you the colour of a rodent’s fur from distances up to 5 miles by scent alone. His sticky tongue was legendary for catching flies around the southern Mississippi region. When asked why she killed him, his mother said, “The boy was so damn ugly…it would make a locomotive take a dirt road, but somehow he got laid too many times to count. That conundrum became my albatross and thus . . . I had to kill him.”

The Human Lizard

The Human Lizard

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