How To Cope With Stress
I often see people struggling to find something to write about. I have the opposite problem; I have too many ideas and have to separate one from the collective, whittle away the unessentials and find some semblance of direction. I imagine carving away all those things unnecessary in my life - leaving splinters of anger and stress all over the floor. There I am, buried up to my neck, trying to crawl out of my own pile. While thinking, I remembered something that affected my personal life and how it helped me to become a stronger person.
Stress builds up in our lives and we must release it somehow. We hold it in, sometimes for years. Some of us unleash it on the people closest to us by screaming hurtful things at them, trying to balance the hatred and angst we hold within ourselves. Then we read articles about relieving stress. They tell us we need a massage, exercise, psychotherapy, a hot bath in a dark room filled with candles, soothing music and God. All of these things may help, but I see another way.
Before stress even begins, we must learn to let go of thoughts that fester and nurture stress. It has a lot to do with whether we, in some way, decide to be stressed or not. Ultimately, we decide how we feel. If we allow other people and situations to control how we cope, we lose. We fall prey to the intentions of others, not ourselves.
A paramedic friend of mine became so stressed out from his job, that he attempted suicide to kill the inner pain he was suffering. I’ll tell you what happened so you will understand why:
The Man Who Destroyed Himself
A few years ago, a medical emergency was phoned in. He tried to avoid going to the scene because it was his brother who had called. He wanted another paramedic team to handle it because of the stress of dealing with his own family. It’s generally a good idea for EMS workers to not handle their relatives’ emergencies. Unfortunately, no one else was available, so he had to go.
His brother and sister-in-law’s new born baby was choking on a plastic hair clip and couldn’t breathe. He placed the infant on his forearm angled towards the floor, giving gentle but forceful taps to the infant’s back (the standard technique, please don’t attempt this yourself without proper medical training). The baby was blue, fighting for life. He did everything he could, but the baby suffocated and died.
He followed procedure and did everything he could possibly do. He has over 25 years experience and had similar experiences before. His brother and sister-in-law blamed him for the death. Imagine the anguish this man lived through. Eventually, it became unbearable as his family never forgave him. He turned to alcohol and drugs, sinking into the wretched claws of intense depression. He attempted to kill himself with painkillers but survived. He lost his career and his wife left him, siding with his brother. To this day, he has not recovered and has destroyed himself. I haven’t seen him in over a year.
Solutions and Reasons
This is a real world example of self-inflicted stress and depression. Yes, what happened to him was horrific. Yes, his unforgiving family was wrong for blaming him. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but it is his fault for allowing this to destroy him. He wasn’t prepared to cope with such a situation - that is the key. He could recover if he learned how to.
The point is, being prepared with strong life coping skills is something we all need. Perhaps if he had a forgiving and understanding family, none of this would have happened in quite the same way. Envision yourself in the same exact situation; furthermore, imagine how you would handle it.
This post is not about alleviating stress, it’s about preventing it by having strong coping skills. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have heartache, but we cannot allow that heartache to continually linger - thus, destroying our lives. It takes a great understanding of family and relationship dynamics to get through a dark event like this.
Every element in the situation feeds off of one other. We must throw a wrench into the gears to stop this perpetual stress machine. We must allow ourselves to heal and not hold in self blame. We must let go of it and be strong - without feeling guilty. All it would take, is if my paramedic friend to be strong and truly let go - being an example of personal love. If only one person in his family came to the rescue and forgave him could also be the key. Something must change for healing. Keep doing the same thing and you’ll get the same results - a self-perpetuating cycle of gloom.
The answer in nearly all situations is love. We must love ourselves. Be your own best friend and forgive yourself. Be compassionate to yourself and everyone in your life. Sometimes we have to end relationships, but we cannot hold the feelings in - as you can see, it destroys lives and allows no room for living. To me, this has more to do with spiritual growth than in does mental or psychological. Don’t ever be afraid of seeking help. You can find it professionally, from friends, family or a friendly blogger. There are wonderful people everywhere who can help you. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, come to me - I’ll help you in anyway I can.
Remember, don’t feel guilty about not feeling guilty - it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person because you can get over things. To make it through life, you must learn to help yourself and not be afraid to ask for help. Be strong and have a wonderful day!
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26 Responses to “How To Cope With Stress”
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It really stinks about that paramedic friend of yours. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Everyone thinks they would have done it differently or better but they weren’t in his shoes and weren’t trained. Even when you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could, the way other people treat you really can affect you. But if you are surrounded by negative people, you have to remove yourself from that and associate with other people who are not so negative. It helps to be social and not allow yourself to sink into a depression. All of your points are wonderful, Bobby. I do think there are some tactics to learn in changing your way of thinking too. When I quit smoking, one of the things that was very important was changing my way of thinking and using the energy for positive things rather than allowing myself to think of the cigarette that I wanted. I had to put it out of my mind, and dismiss it. I think similar training can work to deal with stress.
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It is a terrible situation for him, but I do believe he could change things. I almost gave up on life several times but I got myself out of the hole. I chose to not turn to drugs and alcohol, but instead sought help. I’ve tried to get in touch with him. From what I understand, he has become a homeless nomad, who lives under bridges and similar places. It could happen to any of us. That’s why I am close to my family and friends - I do have people to turn to. I’m glad you quit smoking! I used to smoke too, but quit several years ago. I knew a young guy that tried to quit over and over. Then, before he had a chance to get through it, he got lung cancer and died at 25 years of age. That helped me quit. Coping skills are invaluable and many people just don’t have any. Have a great day Teeni
I was so frustrated with one fella working under me and I got really pissed off. I even thought about it in bed.
But I feel more relieved now after talking to my supervisor, although most of the times I usually keep it to myself.
Haney’s last blog post..Why Buy Frozen Food?
Hi Haney, I work in a job filled with cutthroat employees and atrocious politics. I just stay detached from the people and don’t let what they do bother me - even if it someone manages to get me fired, I’ll just get a new job. I live by the “friends are friends and business is business” philosophy
In essence i feel that strong coping skills are essential so long as we define what we mean by them. For me, the first skill of coping is to find spaces in which you can express openly and honestly what is going on for you without fear of judgment - this is what we both refer to as letting go . Another is to be able to hear other perspectives and views on your situation in order to cast a different light on it - a form of mutual peer reflection. This enables you to see that there is more than one interpretation of every life circumstance. Combined with this, a coping skill is allowing others to hold and support you - without feeling a need to hide yourself away. From all of these, it is possible to rebuild a sense of valued self and to rediscover your authentic centre untainted by tragic incidents and bitter words over which, unlike self, we have little control. Jenny Hyatt, Founder, bigwhitewall.com
I agree with your over all philosophy, and we ALL need help in dealing better with stress! So thanks for the suggestions.
I do take issue with never feeling guilty. I must say that I believe many of us feel far too guilty over things that really can’t be changed. However, to my way of thinking,guilt can be just like the pain we feel when we touch a hot stove. Our ‘pain sensors,’ if you will, tell us to remove the hand and stop the hurt! Guilt, when responded to, but not dwelt on, can serve in this way. I see it as a braking system for us. To say ‘have no guilt’ seems the same to me as promoting the No Fear! concept. I believe in conquering our fears, but to have no fear is just plain stupid. Strange but true example: I love snakes-but I have enough sense to fear/respect for the poisonous breeds that could harm me or take my life.
O.K., I’m climbing down from my soapbox now.
It’s quite a sad story, and I do agree with you saying that he opened the door to it on some level when someone else could have handled it. A job and family often don’t mix, especially in those types of circumstances, and in death,people always try to find something to blame in order to adjust to the shock of death. I had a relative who, despite what cardiologists told him, didn’t divulge all the information to his parents, and when he suddenly collapsed and died, all sorts of theories came out, but the reality lay in the medical records, that indicated that he had a slim hope of living a long life due to a heart murmur. Unfortunately, possibly in your friend’s case, he’ll always be a source of blame for the parents, and that is tragic as well or on its own, because it’s a stigma of sorts, and it isn’t his fault, because he did the right thing, or what any person would do, and still there is that shadow.
It’s strange how society can be as well. Each day people are bombarded with terrible news on television and newspapers, and that can lead to a minor form of stress because of the perception that is being broadcast, such as the everyday threat to just about everything, and people are always told to be aware, vigilant and so on, as well as be in total control of everything, and sometimes one thing has to give.
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Hi Jenny, I wish I knew all this when I was in highschool, but life itself is the best teacher. I just take a simple, uncomplicated approach and choose to not let things get to me, it’s working for me and I feel very prepared for anything.
Hi Margo, we all feel guilt, but many people don’t know how to deal with it and let it turn into something that scars them, causing serious problems. That’s what I spent years doing and I finally got help and taught myself how to cope. As far as “no fear”, we all feel fear but must choose when to be brave and when it’s necessary.
Hi Ana, one thing I failed to mention is that my friend is the only educated person in his family, who happen to be extremely religious and superstitious people. He was one of those people who endlessly help people and never spent much time helping himself, and I guess that’s one reason for becoming a paramedic. I actually went to school to become one myself but decided midway through, that it wasn’t for me. The suicide rate for emergency medical workers is extremely high and I respect those who can do it and handle the stress.
I’m glad you mentioned how we are incessantly bombarded with warnings. It goes on and on - worry about terrorism, health care, taxes, war, dirty politicians - it never ends. I no longer worry about everything because it really weighs me down, and I just cannot think in terms of the coming doom - it is just unhealthy.
Hi Bobby, i believe one way of coping with stress is to be grateful. Once a person is grateful, he or she’s problem will not be magnified to ‘unreal’ proportion.
I also believe being grateful to God for the things He provided and will provide is the way to play the game of Life. Thanks for being the 1st to comment on my post. Have a wonderful week too. Cheers!
Maketraffic’s last blog post..I want to celebrate Life
I guess if we knew about these things in High School then life would be just a bit too much of an unexciting journey to self - discovery. Great initial post and follow up comments. Thank you
As crazy as it might sound, one of the best things I’ve ever done to reduce stress was to stop watching the news. It’s rare that anyone covers anything particularly unique or happy. Today someone’s getting killed in X neighborhood/country, tomorrow it’s somewhere else, the next day it’s another place - why fill your mind with all of that? Just take necessary pre-cautions to stay safe and let the rest go.
When I have stress, I will read your post about coping with stress … By that time I will have so much stress coping with stress about my stress, I will long for normal stress and not be stressed!
EuroYank’s last blog post..Miracle At Lourdes, France
I’m sorry to hear abt your friend Bobby! I try to reduce stress by letting things go and not worrying too much abt everything!
Genie Princess’s last blog post..Back from War!
Well, one day I decided to create a blog and there went all my stress … LOL!
But seriously, I agree with Marzie. I do the same thing too. I don’t ever worry too much about things. It’s better that way. I’ll handle whatever happens when it happens and that kinda keeps the stress at bay, well, most of the time anyway … LOL!
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Hi Bobby,
I think the points you raised in the last two paragraphs are the key … learning to love ourselves, and having someone to talk to.
I can remember back to the last year or so of my first marriage. It was by far the most stressful time of my life. Not only did I feel like a horrible failure, but for some reason, I didn’t have any close friends, didn’t really feel comfortable talking to my family about the subject. Keeping my stress in, just made it worse.
My current situation is 180 degrees better.
Of course I still stress. But now, I talk to my wife about it. She usually laughs at me and tells me to stop being silly … which strangely enough is almost always exactly what I need. I don’t know about you, but taken in the larger context, the great majority of the things I stress about really are pretty darn Silly.
Todd
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Thanks Maketraffic, I completely agree, we should be grateful for what we have and for being alive. Have a wonderful week!
Hahaha…maybe I should boycott the news as well. Thanks Stefanie.
lol…I’m getting all stressed from your stress…I think I’m going to beak apart at the seams!
Hi Marzie, you don’t seem to be a stressful person…unless you are served a terrible meal…haha!
Hi Nick! I guess blogging cured you huh? When I used to (or tried to) blog for money, I got all stressed out. Now, that I just write what I like…my blog is a stress reliever!
Same here Todd, I tend to get stressed about silly things. Nowadays, for example; when I watch the news, I just don’t let it affect my health. I’m glad you have your wife to talk to, I’m sure that helps very much!
In that case I can see how they’d blame him. The traditional/superstitious viewpoint that’s steeped with religion tends to overshadow education, or knowledge based on science. I have relatives that still believe in the evil eye, and some of them still do the rite to eliminate the evil eye when children come down with a temperature lol.
It is gnarly, and kids probably receive more stress now as well with everything being in the news, and in the classroom, things about terrorism and the environment. Most recently I had my son stressing out about stuff like that and the only thing I could say to him is that life is too short for him to start stressing at the age of 13.
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Hi revellian. It was a good read. But my stress is more anxiety. Its like a much more serious type of stress. Im struggling to beat it, sure your post helped but my stress/anxiety is more serious than that. If you have any anxiety advice, im happy to hear it.
Thanks mate,
Andrew
Andrew’s last blog post..Kessler Vs Miranda Is Off, Kessler vs Mundine 2 Is On
Hi Andrew, I don’t suffer from much anxiety but used to when I was younger. I recommend you study the art of yoga. I don’t mean a silly exercise class at the YMCA - unless the teacher is great. Yoga is a breathing exercise above all. The postures and stretches are actually secondary. I practice yogic breathing almost 24 hours a day, every day. I prevents anxiety for me.