There are only two things I know for sure:

1. I have dated many bizarre women with ulterior motives; some so strange, it seems like an impossibility of purely abstract fiction. I hope to meet one normal woman who doesn’t lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, have unprotected sex with numerous partners, hide extra children in the back room or have other boyfriends. Is that too much to ask for?

2. I will eventually die.

After my previous post of heartbreaking sadness, I felt I should explain a little. I am not sad or depressed in any way. I am however frustrated. Hey, you would cry too if you dated these people. I have dated the most mentally unstable women on Earth – just by chance. It’s like I won the deceptive lying witch lottery…read on:

Deceptive Lying Witch

Deceptive Lying Witch

One need look no further than the last woman I dated. Last month, I met a very nice woman who works as a bank teller. It started with a little flirtatious conversation and one of her coworkers telling me how single she was. I thought there was no way for her to be as bad as the last date I had – that really would be impossible.

We went out to dinner a few times, having much fun and some great conversation. When going on a date, I am like a boxer with a powerful defense. I test her intentions, looking for common signs of one who lies and so forth. I’ve been through hell, thus I do not allow myself to fall for someone very easily. I am completely honest and will lie under no circumstance. I used to lie a little (ok, maybe a lot), but learned from my mistakes. Nothing is worse than to be called out on a big fat lie.

She asked me over to her house for dinner. I was extremely apprehensive; however, I accepted. I had faith that she might really be nice and honest. She made it clear that she was truly interested in me. She tended to agree with everything I said. Every opinion I had about life, politics, relationships – she seemed to be in complete agreement with. That bothered me a little. I like people who will disagree with me and stand up for their own beliefs. It remained on my mind but I chose to let it slide, thinking I was over-analyzing her.

I arrived at her home around 7:00 pm. She answered the door in spandex, aerobic exercise apparel, covered in sweat stains. She smelled quite aromatic. She told me that because dinner was almost ready, she would not take a shower beforehand. I told myself, “It’s no big deal.” Then, I met her seven year old daughter, who she failed to tell me about. That was also fine with me – I didn’t mind at all. I don’t care if she has kids, I just prefer her to tell me about them. She had told me that she didn’t.

Things were a bit uncomfortable. I could sense something strange about to happen…lol. I kept telling myself, “It’s all in your head…stop freaking out.” The back door opened and in walked a strange man covered in automotive grease. He scowled at me and gave me a very sarcastic half-smile.

My date said, “Bobby, this is my boyfriend, Jake (not his real name). Jake, meet my new friend Bobby.”

Yay! She has a boyfriend – just as I had hoped…NOT. Jake rolled his eyes and then washed up for dinner. She whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. Jake goes to work at midnight. Then we’ll be alone.”

How great was this situation? I get to spend five grueling hours with her and Jake – my idea of a fantastic date. I was really looking forward to getting to know Jake. I wanted to ask him, “So…does it bother you that your girlfriend brings dates home to meet you? How often do you have sex with her? Can I watch? Are you insane? Do you have herpes? Have you two been on the Jerry Springer show?”

I said, “Wow…my contact lens is really hurting my eye. Let me run out to my car and get my lens case so I can take this thing out.”

I ran to my car, hopped in and drove off…BYE-BYE. I immediately turned my cell phone off so she (or Jake) couldn’t call me. Whew…I felt like I just survived a war. Though this date was bizarre and extremely unusual, it’s the second time the exact same thing happened. That’s right! It has happened before. The last time, it was also with a woman who worked in a bank. The only difference is that she had a husband and a boyfriend – both of whom were at her house (I live in the twilight zone)! This is why I am so careful about who I date.

Next time, I will have my friend Vladamir (the KGB operative pictured above) administer my date a polygraph examination along with an entire array of tests, such as one for sexually transmitted diseases. I will also do a criminal background test. All of this must be completed before we go out…hahahahaha.

Enough is enough…get to the f*cking links already!

  • Whiteboy Style – My friend Ed Philly has his handmade site rolling again after a short hiatus. If you’re in the mood for some “Offensive Humor at it’s best”, be sure to pay him a visit. Ed wrote his site from scratch using HTML – WOW…what a rare thing these days!
  • At Goes To Salem: Emila’s beautiful artwork of a cat named At. She actually gave it to someone for free. Emila is a wonderful person and spectacular artist.
  • Expelled: Setu’s very weird tale. It defies categorization – falling between nightmare, hallucination and bizarre reality. If you enjoy cool short stories, this one is a must read.
  • Story Game – The Adventures of Marie Cambridge – Marie and Her Ex: Teeni’s multi-authored short story with a sarcastic and wicked ending. I really enjoyed it.
  • I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Ice Creme: also from Teeni. She shows you how to make ice-creme without using milk. She says it came out quite delicious. It must be good because all women know good ice-creme when they get it (especially chocolate)…hehe.
  • Our Love Story: Marzie’s heartwarming story of true love. She and her husband prove that it is possible to find the right person and live happily ever after. It is this kind of story that gives hope to those of us who haven’t…yet (like me)!
  • “Save” yourself first!: Yasmine’s must read article about religious hypocrisy and how all of us can rise above it. Very thought provoking.
  • The Most Compelling Blockbuster: Sean Rasmussen’s inspiring article that all of us should read…it’s fantastic. While you’re there, be sure to download his free e-book, Mindset Mastery. He put a lot of work into it and it is well worth reading.
  • Lies At the Top: American, Iraqi & Afghan Casualties Not Counted: Euroyank reveals some extremely disturbing truths in how casualties are actually counted in the current war. You must read this.
  • 5 Tips to optimize your site for Search Engines: Madhur Kapoor presents 5 basic tips to help you optimize your site.
  • How to repair MySQL Tables: Also from Madhur. I found this gem looking through his archives. A solid, step by step guide for repairing your wordpress MySQL tables.
  • How to extract names and email addresses from your WP database: Andy Bailey’s very useful article about how to derive names and email addresses from your Wordpress database. It’s complete in detail and easy to understand.
  • Why don’t they understand?: Also from Andy. This features some hilarious problems he ran into repairing computers. While you’re there, enter his new contest.
  • Striking the Right Balance Between Family and Business: Todd Morris wrote this positive article about striking that right balance.
  • What’s Wrong With “The Secret”: Todd Morris pointed me to this article that I found interesting. It’s about the movie “The Secret”. Check it out.
  • The Secret – Exposing The Truth and How it was Conceived: This is an article I wrote (that’s right, I’m promoting myself) about “The Secret”. Don’t get me wrong, there is some useful information in the movie. It was however, designed to make millions for the author – never forget that.
  • Computer Humor: My new friend Dunn compiled some very funny computer humor in this post. Go get yourself some comic relief.

*The witch is Pamela Kempthorne.

*The polygraph picture is from Polygraph Training.

* I love both of these pictures.

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