Solicitation: Britney Spears & Judge Judy

I never visit New Orleans without incident. There is always something weird that happens to me and this trip was no exception. I walked out of an occult shoppe in the French Quarter where I purchased a brand new set of Haitian voodoo dolls. With the weekend coming up, I hate to be without them.

I was standing on the sidewalk for a moment deciding where to go next when a Rolls Royce limousine pulled up next to me. The back window cracked open - thickened hashish smoke rolled gently outward, permeated with the fragrant vapors of perfume and whiskey. I heard a bit of girlish giggling inside, a familiar voice squealed, “Come here dude.”

I thought I was about to be robbed or kidnapped, but stood there bravely with wallet tightly gripped in my steely vice. The window came down revealing a shocking spectacle - Britney Spears smoking hash in an elaborately decorated Turkish pipe - the words Oops I Smoked it Again engraved in exotic script along it’s contours.

I said, “Hi Britney!”

“How much?” she replied.

I was confused, unsure what she meant and replied, “How much? How much for what?”

She lifted her sunglasses glaring at me like I was playing dumb, “Don’t even play with me right now, I ain’t in no mood for that. How much for you sugar?” I shot her a look of bewildering perplexity - she continued, “How much for you to crawl in here and give me and my friend some afternoon delight!”

I leaned over to see her friend; it was a Judge Judy in a black bra and panties - I almost barfed. Judge Judy rapped her mallet on the head rest and in a most authoritative tone commanded, “Order in the court…you answer Ms. Spears sir. How much do you charge…hehehahaha!”

They took a few shots of liquor and busted into hysterical laughter. Britney said, “What’s your name honey?”

“Uh…well er um…Bobby, my name is Bobby.”

Britney smiled in an extremely erotic fashion, “Do you find me attractive Bobby?”

“Yes Britney, I guess…but you are looking a bit tattered.”

“It’s been a long day…how much?” she squawked.

I remembered a prostitute negotiation I saw on the TV show “Cops” and said, “Britney, for you…a thousand dollars. For Judge Judy, 100 million dollars in unmarked twenties - I want the money upfront. This is a high end district. This is grade AAA American male,” I then gave them a runway model turnaround and put my hand on my hip.

Judge Judy started crying, “Wah…He thinks I’m ugly. Nobody wants me.”

Britney wrapped her arms around her and said, “Poor Judy, I’ll get you laid. You deserve it.”

I said, “It’s not that you’re ugly your honor, you’re just such a mean sour pus on your show. You are ugly inside and quite frankly, it gives me chills. Another thing…that black widow tattoo on your breast is very unattractive. Brit, if you get rid of the Judge, I will get in.”

Britney twirled her tongue wildly with spectacular dexterousness and said, “Too bad for you loser, you don’t know what you just missed out on,” she rolled up the window and the limousine drove off. Sorry, I’m just not attracted to judge Judy. I immediately felt degraded. I drove home and took five hot showers trying to wash the filthy thoughts from my soul. I felt so disgusting.

When you’re bored or burned out from blogging and don’t have any good ideas for a post, make one up!

* This story is pure fiction by Bobby Revell
* I do not really practice voodoo
* If Britney or Judge Judy sue me, I have no money to give them and will move to another country
* The picture is from New Orleans Tours

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April 18, 2008 · Filed Under Humor, horror

Comments

29 Responses to “Solicitation: Britney Spears & Judge Judy”

  1. teeni on April 18th, 2008 9:23 pm

    OMG - This cracked me up - “With the weekend coming up, I hate to be without them.” Actually, though, I do love Judge Judy. But you don’t have to in order for me to read your writing.

    teeni’s last blog post..I’m Chatty and The 4th Occasional Teeni Awards

  2. Revellian on April 18th, 2008 9:38 pm

    Hi Teeni! I like Judge Judy too, I just picked on her a little in this post. Think of this as an article from the National Enquirer…haha :mrgreen:

  3. Haney on April 18th, 2008 11:28 pm

    I wonder how does the tattoo looks like :twisted:
    Haney’s last blog post..Other’s Failure Makes You Happy?

  4. Revellian on April 18th, 2008 11:39 pm

    It was huge, with a red splotch on it’s back. The words “Black Widow’s Eat Their Husbands” were written in a circle around it…haha! :mrgreen:

  5. Paula on April 19th, 2008 12:14 am

    *shrieking with laughter*

    Bobby, you are one funny guy. Now I want some VooDoo dolls too!

    Paula’s last blog post..Dear Lisa

  6. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 12:37 am

    Really Paula? What on Earth would you do with a voodoo doll…haha :twisted: It’s so great to see you, where has Polliwolli been? :smile:

  7. Todd Morris on April 19th, 2008 12:54 am

    LOL !!!!

    Outstanding Bobby … some disturbing images will be stuck in my head for the next day or two … but I’m smiling right now, so it’s worth it. :grin:
    Todd

    Todd Morris’s last blog post..Banana Bird Eating a Mango

  8. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 2:38 am

    Thanks Todd! I guess you can tell I was bored when I wrote this…haha! :mrgreen:

  9. Zubli Zainordin on April 19th, 2008 2:42 am

    Nothing like this happened to me when I was at French Quarters, now I know Bobby Revellian, I should have bought the voodoo dolls first! Deh, there will be another time, Louisiana!!!

    Zubli Zainordin’s last blog post..BlueBet

  10. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 3:08 am

    Hi Zubli! You’ve been to New Orleans? I live really close to there - about a 90 minute drive. Yes, next time bring your voodoo dolls and it’ll be much more interesting…haha :mrgreen:

  11. Zubli Zainordin on April 19th, 2008 3:22 am

    Now only I know where you are, :lol: Yes, I was there while still a virgin, traveling from Terre Haute Indiana, I just wanted to hear live Jazz. Awesome. They did not invite me to jam together or togethim, else I could hit the drums, they can be fascinated. I should have been there when Mardi Gra is live. Perhaps, both ladies can be there again, normally I charge more than USD 1,000. Inflation and all, I am inflated. :lol:
    Zubli Zainordin’s last blog post..BlueBet

  12. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 3:40 am

    You were a virgin and charging 1000 dollars? Perhaps lower your price next time…hahaha! You crack me up Zubli! I hope you got to hear some good live Jazz - New Orleans is great for that. Mardi Gras is dangerous, I wouldn’t go to it until they solve their police problems. :smile:

  13. Billy on April 19th, 2008 6:19 am

    hahaha, you had me until you said about judge judy in black bra and panties, lol.

    Great stuff, gave me a little chuckle for the day.

    Billy’s last blog post..12 Pitching your Tent Tips for Camping

  14. Daisy on April 19th, 2008 7:40 am

    I love your stories! But why on earth did you pick Britney Spears?

  15. Madhur Kapoor on April 19th, 2008 1:42 pm

    Wow. You know how to bring a smile to anyone’s face. :smile:
    Madhur Kapoor’s last blog post..Demonoid is back online

  16. Christy on April 19th, 2008 4:31 pm

    Can I go to the tabloids with this? rofl. Great story Bobby, I loved it. Next time leave out Judge Judy and add in Jessica Simpson and her sister, lol. Now there’s an afternoon no one would forget!

    Hope you’re having a nice weekend

    Christy’s last blog post..Sexy Saturday - Smokin’ Hot Firefighters

  17. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 8:05 pm

    I was a little worried that some people may be offended, but it is just pure fiction. Thanks Madhur! :smile:

  18. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 8:10 pm

    I had a nightmare about Judge Judy with this hideous black widow tattoo on her breast, I woke up in chills. :shock: I quickly wrote the story before I forgot what happened…haha! Yes Christy, please take it to the tabloids!!!! :mrgreen:

  19. Zubli Zainordin on April 19th, 2008 8:37 pm

    Dear Man, actually those who can see tattoo on one of her boom-booms, then it is not a nightmare, emmm, nightnice. I wish I can see the tattoo too. Yes, two too. Thethethethe…

    Zubli Zainordin’s last blog post..Saturday Superfun

  20. Revellian on April 19th, 2008 11:06 pm

    Perhaps you and Judge Judy should get together Zubli…haha!!! :mrgreen:

  21. Zubli Zainordin on April 20th, 2008 4:57 am

    :wink: :wink: Sure, but when asked, I shall also mentioned the 100 million USD. :lol: Nothing is cheap now. Dear Bobby, thank you for visiting, reading, and placing a comment at A Total Blog, a moment ago. Deary me, apology for not being able to greet you when you were here. Actually, I was on air at Radio 24, talking about Blogging and Consumerism. Slides show available now for watching, a minute ago. I am glad, the mainstream media in my country identified me as one of the authorities who can speak on this topic. While there, I did mention French Quarters, just to excite some of the listeners who likes tattoo on boom-boom. I hope my vividnizationness in presenting words sparks their visualization and imagination, else, their own nightmare. :lol: :lol:
    Zubli Zainordin’s last blog post..MyBlogLog

  22. Zubli Zainordin on April 20th, 2008 5:37 am

    Dear Bobby Revellian, it has not been easy going to USA and returning home to Malaysia, remaining like a fresh apple. :wink: :wink: I mean virgin. None can count the number of showers I took, even during winters. :lol: just because I am not used to fasting, in a land so much many food, I revert to calming me down as such a way. So, how then to charge, during those days if not above 1000 USD now? Reflecting, I realized now, I have had so many signals from the girls there, I could not understand them, just because I undersit. You know what I mean. But virgin I am not, in terms of bringing back home all my Jazz album collections. Oo, Mardi gra, perhaps I was then attracted to the colors, rythms, and movements. Can any of us be totally safe there during the procession, naked? :mrgreen:
    Zubli Zainordin’s last blog post..MyBlogLog

  23. emila yusof on April 20th, 2008 9:53 am

    Hahahaha i love your story!

    emila yusof’s last blog post..Primitive II - IF

  24. Genie Princess on April 22nd, 2008 2:06 am

    LOL! I can’t believe I missed this post! Great work Bobby, this one is definitely not gory he he he! :)
    Genie Princess’s last blog post..Explode Your Traffic!

  25. Revellian on April 22nd, 2008 7:50 pm

    I almost passed out when I saw her Billy! Oh wait…this story isn’t true :shock:

  26. Revellian on April 22nd, 2008 7:51 pm

    Because she is an insane basket case! :mrgreen:

  27. Revellian on April 22nd, 2008 7:54 pm

    If you ever come again, I will come visit you! Haha…you mentioned it huh? I’m sure you were very humorous! :mrgreen:

  28. Revellian on April 22nd, 2008 7:56 pm

    Thanks Emila! I wish I could share the video with you but I will be imprisoned if I do…haha! :mrgreen:

  29. Revellian on April 22nd, 2008 7:58 pm

    Yay! I’m glad you like it Marzie…lol! It is a little gory when you think about Judge Judy’s tattoo! :grin:

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