Sadness - Severing Toxic Friendships

I’ve suffered from severe depression my entire life experienced much sadness. Severing toxic friendships has been a necessity for me, but it has also nearly destroyed me. It is my hope that tis article will help someone out there, even if it’s only one person.

When I grew up, I never fit in to the normal cliques, I was extremely rebellious and my friends were too. All of my friends used drugs, I sincerely mean every single one of them. I can’t name a single person I know who doesn’t use drugs or have a severe drinking problem, except for my immediate family.

I’m not going get into detail - not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. Actually, I’m not allowed to right now. Basically, my friends started going to prison. One of my best friends from highschool, Brian, lost his mind. He tried to kill his own mother with a butcher knife. His father beat him half to death with a baseball bat and saved her life. He was committed to a mental ward and is now a vegetable who lives on government disability.

Another friend of mine murdered a seventeen year old girl, he is currently on death row in a state prison. My friend Tommy Phillips, died from a cocaine overdose after getting out of prison for drug charges. My very best friend from junior high school, Mario Giovanni Centobie, did not use drugs (the only friend I ever had that didn’t), had the worst story of all. I may write about him in an upcoming post, but it’s so painful. Basically, his family didn’t love him. At his high school graduation, his mother pulled up in the parking lot as we all were leaving. In front of everyone, she handed him a suitcase full of clothes and fifty dollars. She said, “Happy graduation…you’re on your own now,” and drove away. What a way to start life.

On 06-26-98, Mario (who was highly decorated firefighter at the time) murdered an Alabama police officer after escaping prison. He was serving 40 years for kidnapping his wife and son. He shot the police officer in the back of the head. He was executed by lethal injection 04-28-05.

All these events had a very negative effect on my entire life and attitude. After all was said and done, the remainder of my friends were all drug addicts.

Hard Decisions

I had to make some extremely painful decisions, which are still having an impact on me and will continue until the day I die. The idea of dropping every friend I had seemed impossible. I was already depressed and feeling so lonely, I literally wanted to die. To sever ties with all my friends was the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to.

I quit all drugs and drinking, but that was just the beginning of my problems. I had to face having no friends at all…NONE. When I see someone get all upset because their spouse is out of town for a few weeks, it makes me feel so strange. I think to myself…you don’t even know what loneliness is.

I dropped all of my lifelong friends - every last one of them. It sucks. There is no worst feeling in the world than to know you have nobody. I did it. I did it for me. I rebuilt my entire life from the ground floor. The reason I started blogging in the first place was because of what I went through. I’ve always felt like a social outcast, a deviant, a black sheep - it seemed cool at one time. It seems like a sickening nightmare now. None of my friends have tried to help themselves or go to rehab. I realized that I cannot help them, and had to let go.

One of the main reasons I dropped my drug abusing friends is to avoid prison. I can’t go to these people’s homes and certainly don’t allow them to come to mine. With the amount of people I know in jail, I don’t want to be one of them. To say it was easy for me to change would be a lie. It was in the realm of impossibility. It’s really similar to an abused spouse leaving their abuser. You can’t know what it’s like unless you’ve been there. You have to crawl out of hell before you could ever understand.

My advice is to stay away from drugs and avoid those who abuse them. In my experience, most people find that out the hard way, and go to jail over it. I’ve never been to jail and don’t have a criminal record, but I am extremely lucky. I woke up. I grew up.

The point is, you can change everything in your life no matter how bad it gets. I did, and I couldn’t be happier. We’ve all heard of the term “bad boy”. It’s an attractive image for many young guys and young women seem to flock around them. That’s why they call them a “bad boy”. They are boys…not men.

Remember this: it’s better to have no friends at all than to have friends who’ll get you sent to prison.

Share and Enjoy:

Tags: depression, drugs, inspiration, sadness

July 13, 2008 · Filed Under life personal

Comments

38 Responses to “Sadness - Severing Toxic Friendships”

Teeni on July 13th, 2008 1:48 am

I think those “friends” of yours were always too busy with their own problems and addictions to really be friends to you. It is sad and a horrible thing you experienced and sounds incredibly lonely. I sure am glad you toughed it out though. And I think you’ve made better friends since then. Hopefully your definition of the word friend has changed too. It shouldn’t just be the people you are hanging out with who are considered friends. I think you used to hang with some real doozies. It should be the people who look out for your best interests and whose company you enjoy and vice-versa.

Teenis last blog post..Comments Are Rewarding and Im Back!
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 3:10 am

The truth is, I never partied quite as much as most of my friends. As we got older, I started heading in the right direction, but they started doing harder drugs and doing worse and worse things. The problem was, is they were the only friends I had. It took a lot to cut them loose, but I am better off. I am doing very well now…thank God!
DaveS on July 13th, 2008 8:11 am

First, it’s good you are doing well.
I moved. First time only a couple hours away. This was right after I came home one evening after work and found a dozen people passed out all over my apartment (they broke in). These were my friends? Then, they started showing up where I had moved to.

I moved again. This time half way across the country. Started making new friends… again. I won’t blame them for me getting fired from my job, but their influence on me, rather, the way I allowed myself to be influenced was the culprit. One evening after coming home from a bowling league I was in, I went to visit a friend rather than going straight home. I was greeted by two police officers who threw me against the wall. It was a bust.

Fortunately, I nothing to do with what they were looking for and ultimately found. I won’t go into details, but I was let go. Time for another change.

My trade afforded me the opportunity to travel for a living so I did. I lived out of a suitcase for 40-42 weeks a year. One of the best things I ever did. I was able to further hone my skills, work with masters who taught me what they knew, and moved across the country, again.

In some ways, I had started to become a bit numb to starting over. I was very fortunate to have a terrific family who supported me all the time. Most of the time, that’s all I had.

I won’t say I can understand your position Bobby. But in a very small way I can relate a little bit.

DaveSs last blog post..Tolerance Beyond Religion
Lynda Lehmann on July 13th, 2008 8:52 am

Kudos to you, Bobby, for your vision and strength. Too bad all these people were/are destructive to themselves and others. YOU matured; they did not. As you have pointed out…

I commend you for facing absolute loneliness in order to break those ties. I have ended a few friendships that were destructive for less dire reasons, and I know, it’s hard to do!

Lynda Lehmanns last blog post..Scenic Nature-Zen and a Study in Opposites: Spray and Stone
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 10:04 am

It sounds like you’ve had an interesting life Dave, though I’m not sure what your trade is. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m at a place where I am free from all those problems once so prevalent in my life. I’m just happy to be alive, healthy and happy
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 10:20 am

I used to think I could help everyone see the light, but it’s true that they have to find it themselves. I’ve had many people say, “I can’t believe you’d turn your back on me.” Sometimes, you have to. I’m not so much lonely anymore and have new friends, so things are going positively and I plan to keep it that way. Thanks Lynda, have a great day
Bush Mackel on July 13th, 2008 11:04 am

You know Bobby, this blog shines so much brighter than others because of how courageous you are to share things like this. Honestly, I don’t know if I were in your shoes if I could be so frank about the multitude of obstacles I had faced. I really hope the right people are reading posts like this because think your advice and encouraging words could do a lot of good for others.

And btw - Great job on trying to take care of yourself and being smart enough to sever those absolutely toxic friendships. As much as you care about someone, you can’t let yourself to be taken down that dark whole along with them forever.

Bush Mackels last blog post..XBLA - Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix DEMO
Laila on July 13th, 2008 12:29 pm

Oh my God you’re so strong that you could get pass all this. This makes me respect you even more.

Lailas last blog post..The Wonderful Friday
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 1:24 pm

Thanks so much Bush! Life is much better than ever before If I can only get blue host to fix my server, I’ll be in heaven!
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 1:25 pm

Thanks Laila, that means a lot to me! Have a wonderful day
J.C. on July 13th, 2008 3:21 pm

This was a tremendous post Bobby, I would like to say so much about it but it would require a lengthy response. Maybe I will write a whole post about what I am thinking of it.

J.C.s last blog post..Against the Wall
Revellian on July 13th, 2008 3:26 pm

Thanks J.C., I had to write this and get it off my chest. As bad as the situation sounds, it actually made me a better person. I use my negative past as fuel for my current and future positivity
Sueblimely on July 13th, 2008 9:58 pm

I can only imagine the gap left in your life by making the difficult decision to leave the past behind and start over. I for one am very glad you did and are here to tell the tale.

Sueblimelys last blog post..PhotoCrank Your Comments
Tool Belt on July 13th, 2008 11:05 pm

Wow, that is amazing. I don’t know how I would react in a situation like this, but I would like to thing I could walk away from my friends and all the things I know best.
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 1:54 am

Thanks Sue! I am fortunate to have a good family to turn to. Without them, I wouldn’t be here right now. The only gap is the wide one between me and bad friends
Jean Chia on July 14th, 2008 2:24 am

Hola BIG GUY!! I always knew that you were surrounded by bad boys but i nvr knew that all, every single of yr friends are “bad boys”. You’re such a brave man!! Really!! Not only did you manage to pull yrself out but you also manage to start everything a new. I am so proud to know you and tell everyone that Bobby Revell is Jean Chia’s best buddy!! I hope that the road ahead will be easier for you. Stay cheerful, ya! Love & Hugs!!!

Jean Chias last blog post..The Girl With The Swim Cap On
Jane Doe on July 14th, 2008 4:36 am

Wow, I can relate to so much in this post. I don’t even know what to say, how to put it into words. You’ve struck a chord with me here. I wish you all the best, I know how hard it is to find yourself friendless, even though it was a necessary step in bringing some semblance of sanity into your life. Anytime you need to talk, drop me a line.

Jane

Jane Does last blog post..Midnight Visitors
DaveS on July 14th, 2008 6:36 am

I’m a master jeweler Bobby. I feel very fortunate to be able to do something I truly enjoy.

BTW… Love the new header.
DaveSs last blog post..Tolerance Beyond Religion
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 7:30 am

Thanks Jean! I used to wish I were born someone else, but that was just running away from the problems. You’ll always be my wonderful friend!
Genie Princess on July 14th, 2008 8:58 am

Bobby! I left u 2 comments here, they disappeared!
mighty morgan on July 14th, 2008 9:02 am

Hey Bobby….I can totally identify with the feelings behind this post….When I got clean it was so, so, SO crucial for me to sever all ties with the people of my past…I had to change people places and things, because I knew that I would never ever get the help I needed by hanging with those like me.
I also rebuilt my life from the ground floor, it took a lot of time to find others like me, but today almost three years to the date I last used any mind or mood altering substances I have so many incredible people in my life…all who are in the process of recovery and who are also fellow travelers in this journey of life…eventually you will meet and discover those who are like you…you will have to…this journey of life is not meant to be traveled alone in the darkness of loneliness….there are others…just keep looking!

mighty morgans last blog post..Lighting the path.
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 9:55 am

Wow, that sounds like an interesting job Dave, thanks for telling me! Thanks for the compliment, but I’m not sure I’ll stay with it. There are certain things about this template I don’t like and I had to spend 6 hours fixing problems in it. I may go back to my other one but don’t know yet
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 9:56 am

I’m sorry Marzie! I’m having major technical difficulties with my site and it may take a while to fix them all. I am really frustrated right now.
EuroYank on July 14th, 2008 11:20 am

I also had similar experiences, and discovered that many Americans I came into contact with daily were cold, calculating, two-faced bastards. It must be the society! By leaving the USA, I was able to rebuild my life and find real people NOT the money grubbing, dog eat dog, American kind.
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 2:16 pm

Hi Morgan! You have definitely been an inspiration to me and I’m happy you read this article. I learned to get over those people, not to mention I just got tired of them. My life is so much different than it used to be and I have no desire to ever go back to the way it was. Here’s to happiness and living!:smile:
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 2:21 pm

Hi Euro! I wouldn’t say that drug addicts and two faced liars are indigenous to America - I’m sure every country has them.

What happened to me was my own fault because I chose to hang around the bad crowd. My sister went to the same school I did, but all her friends were normal and didn’t use drugs. It’s who you choose to befriend, not which country you’re living in.
EuroYank on July 14th, 2008 4:28 pm

Bob my last comment on your blog was my own experience, and I did not need a lesson that its about who one congregates with and not the country one lives in.

Sometimes circumstances do not allow for free choice … ie police officers, military personnel, politicians I knew. Maybe we misunderstood each other, and my comment was not very detailed. I do however appreciate your answer!
Revellian on July 14th, 2008 8:40 pm

I wasn’t trying to give you a life lesson, I was just replying to what you said. I understand what you mean, and you’re right, the political system and military commanders are extremely corrupted.

Like you, I often say things that are easily misunderstood, and I know you mean well. I reached a political meltdown recently, and haven’t been able to even think about it. I dread the upcoming election and know whoever we get will just make things worse. Hahaha…I know, I am a pessimist.

It’s good to see you, and I’ll be by shortly. I am having serious database issues and I’ve been working on it for 3 days.
EuroYank on July 14th, 2008 9:09 pm

use this program http://www.tune-up.com/. Its free for 30 days and will fix anything on your computer. (fully functional)
Matt Wilson on July 14th, 2008 10:56 pm

Good choice sport. Good advice at that. It reminded me of a dream I had once. Maybe you can relate. One time I had a dream of being in a court room. My family was siting across me. They all were looking at me with a confused look on their face, more of a concerned look. Next thing I know is the judge banged his sledge and said “guilty, I sentence you to life in prison. I had no idea for what. The guards came and took me away. I felt that the world was coming to an end as they were taking me away. I could see my family crying, and worse I could not even say good bye to them. I leaned over and ask one of the officers what was the reason for my sentence. He looked at me and said, “don’t you remember running over that child, you were so wasted you did not even stop. Then all of the sudden as I felt like the world was opening under my feet and I was falling to hell, I awoke. I remembered feeling relieved that it was all a dream. So I dropped all drugs after that.
bokjae on July 15th, 2008 7:49 am

Hey bobby! What a coincidence! I have something for you at my place today! thanks for being a friend! Cheers!
Waterlearner on July 15th, 2008 8:25 am

It has not been easy for you to walk through all that I am sure. I have to agree, our company can really influence our decisions and our future.

Thanks for this great post with such intense feelings, Bobby!
gypsy on July 15th, 2008 2:52 pm

Hi Bobby, that’s really sad that you have lost your lifelong friends. However, I definitely agree that having “bad” friends around could influence your life and decisions no matter how hard you try to make things right while keeping them in your life. I am sure you will (and probably already have) found real (and good) friends.

Cheers!

p.s. It’s been a while since I visited and just noticed the design change…love this one! It looks so organized :).
Anastasia on July 18th, 2008 10:17 am

Hi Bobby, left a comment the other day but I think the technical issues were on roids, and it was late in my end of the world.
It’s great that you have come through it all. Toxic friendships are toxic from all directions. A person doesn’t have to fully participate with toxic friends, but their actions tend to taint everyone around them by association. It’s happened to me a couple of times, and it took me a while to be able to see the signs and make a hasty exit. Toxic people can really drive a person mad.
Monavie on July 18th, 2008 11:10 am

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same - this is from a song by The Fray. I think you did the best thing you could for your life. That doesn’t mean it was easy or that you don’t miss your friend and your old life. I used to hang around friends that liked to party and drink heavily under age, and they started getting into drugs. Although I never did, they still weren’t a good influence on my life and I’m better off now. Just hang in there!
Revellian on July 19th, 2008 5:50 pm

@Euro: Thanks! I’m not having computer problems, just problems with my host’s server.

@Matt: That’s quite a nightmare you had. I understand why you went the straight path!

@Bokjae: Thanks you! I’ll come see!

@Karen: Thanks! This post was good therapy for me.

@Gypsy: Thanks for the compliment on my design! True friendship is hard to come by, and I choose them very wisely.

@Ana: I actually lost that post and comments when I restored my site onto another server, but I did read the comment you left me…thanks! When people tell their war stories, they often leave the end off. I know people who’ll brag about all the drugs they’ve done, but they do it to give themselves a gangster persona or to be cool. They should carry it out, telling how it destroyed them, caused horrible problems and wrecked lives. If it’s a story worth hearing, they’ll tell you how they changed and make it something inspiring and powerful. That was my goal with this. I don’t even look down on my ex-freinds, and I would help them if they ever needed it
The moaning blogger on July 22nd, 2008 11:41 am

Revellian, i have to say that you made the right choices, i myself have grown up with nearly all my friends being drug users or alcoholics, i myself took drugs and alcohol for years, now i don’t touch anything either and i also have to avoid all my friends who are still on stuff, i didn’t think i’d be able to do it but im glad to say that i am much happier now, i feel that my life is my own and i feel so much more positive, any type of drugs even alcohol is bad. Mick…
Revellian on July 22nd, 2008 4:41 pm

Sounds like you and I have been in a similar situation Mick. I had to get professional help, but I am a much happier person for it. I would help any of my old friends if they ever wanted it