Heaven or Hell - Which is Better?
Which do do think is a better place to go, heaven or hell? Let’s contemplate some unusual scenarios to find out. An old friend of mine, Damien Van Damne, died on the surgery room table after falling 10 stories onto a pile of razor sharp scrap metal; they ended up bringing him back to life.
After a few weeks of recovery, I visited him at the Miskatonic University Medical Center. This is what he told me (keep in mind he has no legs, no arms, a disfigured face, one lung was removed and his blood is filtered through dialysis because his kidneys are ruptured…somehow, he is upbeat and happy to be alive):
It’s just like they say - when you die - with the bright light at the end of the tunnel. At first, my skull felt like it was going to hemorrhage steaming fluids in a volcanic eruption of endless pain. I fell into the winding abyss of liquid light - droplets of God washing over my soul. I fell into a fluffy mass of white vapor, and there he stood - a tall archbishop with a golden staff in his hands. He asked me, “What faith do you practice, Damien my son?”
I said, “I am a snake holding fundamentalist baptist from Valdosta Georgia.”
The archbishop shook his head, “That’s too bad. The human race is very confused and often choose the wrong faith. Now that your physical body is dead, you will hear the truth. The only people that actually get into heaven are Latvian Orthodox. I sent 273,000 souls to hell today, all of whom practiced the incorrect faith. By the way, the catholics cry the loudest when sent to hell for all eternity.
Before he sent me to hell, I was pulled back into this world…I knew the doctors had saved me. Before I awakened, I could hear the heavenly echoes of the archbishop screaming to me. He said the words, “Convert…convert to Latvian Orthodox while you have this second chance.”
After Damien fully recovered, he became Latvian Orthodox - which according to him, is the only true way through the pearly gates. To be a true purist, he had himself castrated and became a priest.
What if it’s really like that? What if you get there, and they tell you the same thing? Here’s some common sense observations of heaven and hell:
Heaven
- A boring place
- Every one sits around in white robes reading the bible
- No sex ever
- No fun Ever
- No scantily clad hot girls
- The only brand of wine is Manischewitz concord grape, a kosher wine
- The only songs are religious hymns sung by Elvis
- Filled with love and eternal blessing
- Comfortable, air conditioned environment
- Fluffy white beds
Hell
- An exciting place
- Endless parties
- Drugs and hard liquor
- Hordes of scantily clad hot girls
- Everyone dresses in stylish black attire
- Heavy metal music for all of eternity
- Perpetual sex festivals
- Filled with hatred and endless suffering
- Scorching hot environment
- Beds made of blistering hot coals
Which sounds like the better deal to you?
* This article is meant to be humorous
* I was inspired by an episode of Seinfeld to write this. It’s the one where George Costanza’s girlfriend leaves him because he’s not Latvian Orthodox. He converts and she moves away to Europe. It was hilarious.
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ohhh man!
@Eric: I take that as a compliment?
Wow! What an observation of heaven and hell. I will say, anything about Seinfeld wins with me. Love love Seinfeld!
@Ettarose: Thanks so much! I don’t know how I got this from that show…hallelujah
Ohhhh heaven has Elvis and wine- I am so on that, besides I already read my Bible everyday (really). I can’t wait to meet the King- both JC and Elvis.
You mean by scantily dressed hot chicks in hell- Amy Winehouse? Whatever floats your boat Bobby.
I used to be a snake handler myself until a python tried to convert me to stomach acid.
You will have to try harder to scare the Christians away- well at least me. Maybe the others one already left because you have some great Adsense up there for the really freaky Christians to click on now.
@Michelle: I knew you’d like that Elvis dedication. He was granted a reprieve because of his angelic voice. Amy Winehouse? Haha…I don’t think so. If the girls in hell are like that, I wanna go to heaven!
It’s so strange, the comments you left me on my previous post had me thinking - then I happened to see that particular episode of Seinfeld and boom…I had a new post! I live in the heart of the bible belt, so the only girls here are Christian. I may go back to church if I meet the right one. I’d become a Jew, Buddhist or anything else for the right woman. Her love would make me believe
Oh yeah, that’s one thing I love about adsense is the keyword related ads. I tried to join the yahoo publisher network last year but they turned me down. To my knowledge, yahoo publisher ads and adsense are the only ads that effectively match content.
Do you remember the Twilight Zone episode, “The Hunt”? A man and his dog both died and were walking down a road when they came to a gate. The guard told the man it was Heaven, but he couldn’t take the dog with him. Dogs had their own special place.
Well, the man didn’t want to go anywhere too fancy to have his dog with him, so he wouldn’t go. The guard said they wouldn’t let the man into doggie heaven either. But, he could sneak the dog in later for him.
The man didn’t want his dog thinking he wasn’t welcome, so that was no good. So, they left.
Later, they came across a man who was looking for them, to take them to Heaven. The dog was welcome in Heaven with the man, but dogs aren’t allowed in Hell, because while humans can be fooled, the dog would have known and warned the man.
Zam Zam Alakazam!!! Bobby, I love Seinfeld ha ha ha…my fave is def George, he cracks me up like mad! Have the whole DVD series too.
I don’t like either of them from your description Bobby… There should be a third choice called HaveAll and I’d add these from your list (with some modifications of course)
# Filled with love and eternal blessing
# Comfortable, air conditioned environment
# Fluffy white beds
# An exciting place
# Endless parties
# Hordes of hot guys
# Everyone dresses in stylish attire
# wonderful music and festivals
# great food without having to cook
I Know this post was meant to be funny…and it is. But it also makes me think that so many people claim to have the “proper” directions into this heaven place we all hear so much about…I myself wonder who’s wrong!
I’m with Pearl on this, can we have a mixture of both, somewhere in between would be good.
@Dan: I don’t remember that episode but it sounds like a good one. A few months ago, a witch doctor from the Dominican Republic told me I was cursed to wander in purgatory for a thousand eternities - finally culminating in a sudden rebirth as a horse fly. I’m pretty sure it’s true, he had a bone through his nose
@Marzie: Really? I’ve seen every episode and still watch them all the time. Few shows really crack me up like that one!
@Pearl: That’s awesome! I had no idea you could customize your own afterlife. I might not visit too often…far too many guys
@Morgan: Yeah, it can be confusing. Everyone has an answer and the guide to heaven. As I said in the post, you really should convert to Latvian Orthodox if you plan on going to heaven
@Nunyaa: Now everyone is wanting customized afterlives…with so many people catching on, those who die soonest get the best deal. By the time I go, ther will be nothing left!
Bobby, I wouldn’t put much faith in the witch doctor. One eternity would be sufficient. I’m not sure how you can have a thousand eternities, considering an eternity lasts, well, an eternity. Of course, perhaps he was referring to 1,000 of you in 1,000 parallel universes wandering in purgatory for eternity, which would equal a thousand eternities. Then again, what do witch doctors know about quantum physics? Besides which, how could you reincarnate as a horse fly after eternity since eternity is without end? Because if there is an end to eternity, then it really wasn’t eternity after all. It was just a very long time. So, maybe he meant that you would wander in purgatory for one thousand very long times, which would be relative, as time is relative. Remember that Einstein said that spending an hour with a pretty girl would feel like a minute whereas having your hand on a hot stove for a minute would feel like an hour. So, you may wander for a really long time in eternity, but the time might go by quickly if you’re wandering with a pretty girl. And, maybe you’ll choose to reincarnate as a horse fly because she’s destined to reincarnate as a horse. Did the witch doctor think of that?
Yes, very much so! I was afraid to elaborate as a lightning storm was brewing here in Hollydale
I want to go to Pearl’s place! LOL. Oh, there will be plenty of girls for you Bobby! Pearl and I will be there, probably lots more!
@Dan: Now I more confused than ever! The lines between reality and nightmare are blurred and I am hiding under my bed
@Speedy: As I read this comment, lightning struck my house and scared the daylights out of me
@Teeni: Haha…but I’d be one of thousands of guys, I wanna be the only guy
hehehehehehe… Saw your post earlier Bobby. I actually did see that episode of Seinfeld not too long ago and still chuckle about it.
As for me, I’m still confused enough about where I want to go now let alone in an afterlife. Or is that a next life? Previous life? Have I done that already and back here to try again. Can I have a mulligan? Did I use it already?