Which do do think is a better place to go, heaven or hell? Let’s contemplate some unusual scenarios to find out. An old friend of mine, Damien Van Damne, died on the surgery room table after falling 10 stories onto a pile of razor sharp scrap metal; they ended up bringing him back to life.

After a few weeks of recovery, I visited him at the Miskatonic University Medical Center. This is what he told me (keep in mind he has no legs, no arms, a disfigured face, one lung was removed and his blood is filtered through dialysis because his kidneys are ruptured…somehow, he is upbeat and happy to be alive):

It’s just like they say – when you die – with the bright light at the end of the tunnel. At first, my skull felt like it was going to hemorrhage steaming fluids in a volcanic eruption of endless pain. I fell into the winding abyss of liquid light – droplets of God washing over my soul. I fell into a fluffy mass of white vapor, and there he stood – a tall archbishop with a golden staff in his hands. He asked me, “What faith do you practice, Damien my son?”

I said, “I am a snake holding fundamentalist baptist from Valdosta Georgia.”

The archbishop shook his head, “That’s too bad. The human race is very confused and often choose the wrong faith. Now that your physical body is dead, you will hear the truth. The only people that actually get into heaven are Latvian Orthodox. I sent 273,000 souls to hell today, all of whom practiced the incorrect faith. By the way, the catholics cry the loudest when sent to hell for all eternity.

Before he sent me to hell, I was pulled back into this world…I knew the doctors had saved me. Before I awakened, I could hear the heavenly echoes of the archbishop screaming to me. He said the words, “Convert…convert to Latvian Orthodox while you have this second chance.”

After Damien fully recovered, he became Latvian Orthodox – which according to him, is the only true way through the pearly gates. To be a true purist, he had himself castrated and became a priest.

What if it’s really like that? What if you get there, and they tell you the same thing? Here’s some common sense observations of heaven and hell:

Heaven

  • A boring place
  • Every one sits around in white robes reading the bible
  • No sex ever
  • No fun Ever
  • No scantily clad hot girls
  • The only brand of wine is Manischewitz concord grape, a kosher wine
  • The only songs are religious hymns sung by Elvis
  • Filled with love and eternal blessing
  • Comfortable, air conditioned environment
  • Fluffy white beds

Hell

  • An exciting place
  • Endless parties
  • Drugs and hard liquor
  • Hordes of scantily clad hot girls
  • Everyone dresses in stylish black attire
  • Heavy metal music for all of eternity
  • Perpetual sex festivals
  • Filled with hatred and endless suffering
  • Scorching hot environment
  • Beds made of blistering hot coals

Which sounds like the better deal to you?

* This article is meant to be humorous
* I was inspired by an episode of Seinfeld to write this. It’s the one where George Costanza’s girlfriend leaves him because he’s not Latvian Orthodox. He converts and she moves away to Europe. It was hilarious.