A few years ago, I had a job working for the Army Core of Engineers to assess storm damage after hurricane Katrina. I had a bad crush on one of the office girls named Maria, who made my heart palpitate so intensely, I almost passed out every time I talked to her.

One afternoon, they were telling jokes…really lame jokes. I pretended to laugh and Maria noticed my bad acting. She said, “Well now…why don’t you tell us a joke Bobby?”

I was petrified. The only jokes I know are sick or extremely dirty – I felt like Richard Pryor at his filthiest in a room full of nuns. I thought of the most unoffensive joke I know and asked, “How do you unload a truckload of dead babies?”

Seven disgusted faces stared at me. Maria asked apprehensively, “How?”

I busted out laughing, “With a pitchfork…hahaha!”

Maria burst into tears – one of the other women immediately hugged her and said, “You piece of shit…Maria’s baby was stabbed to death last month with a flounder gig by some sicko scumbag.”

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…I never meant to cause any…”

Maria cut me off, “Leave…leave and never come back.”

I said, “Does this mean you won’t go out with me?”

“I’m married you jerkoff piece of human garbage…I HOPE YOU DIE! NOW GET OUT!”

I was fired a few minutes later for verbal assault and escorted off premises by armed guards.

fruity pebbles

fruity pebbles

Later that night, I was at home eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and reading through the want ads for a new job when the doorbell rang. I normally look through the peephole before opening, but was too tired from my horrible day. A strange man stood in the doorway. A grubby beard hung from his morbidly huge steroid altered jawbone. He smiled and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The guy was a Goliath, probably weighing 300 pounds – I said, “Let me guess…growth hormone Henry, the human mistake?”

“I’m Maria’s husband you stupid punk!”

He exploded on me like a rabid dog – slamming me onto the concrete face first – punch after punch violently stomping into the back of my head. I screamed, “Get off me you Neanderthal freak.”

I tried to get to my pocket knife but couldn’t budge. He rolled me over and pinned my arms. He leaned down face to face – his putrid breath reeked of rotted garlic and cigarette smoke. He leaned closer, “You upset my wife and I’m going to kill you.”

I noticed three fleshy nodules protruding from his bottom lip – glistening cauliflower like growths – strings of mucous draping downward. He suckled the juice from the wretched sores and said, “I’ve got venereal warts growing in my mouth – they’re extremely infectious.”

I screamed, “Help…somebody help me.”

He gurgled up his words, “Give me a kiss you little bitch…”

The infected wart fluids drizzled into my mouth and eyes, “HELP! PLEASE GOD…SOMEBODY HELP ME!”

I vomited multi-colored streams of thickened fruity pebbles and wart drippings all over both of us – at the very least, my love life was ruined – visions of sickening warts all over my body and face slithering through my mind. He managed to tie my hands behind my back as I fell into a catatonic stupor.

I heard a familiar female voice, “Drag him inside honey, we don’t want the neighbors seeing.”

I could barely open my eyes from the disease infected mucous drying in my eyelashes. It was Maria standing there, wearing a transparent body suit. It looked like clear vinyl shrink wrap melted onto her skin. Across her back was an astonishing tattoo – a field of dead babies being harvested by the grim reaper with Satan’s pitchfork – lobbing the infant carcasses into a lake of flesh blistering fire. She turned around revealing her incredible breasts – a rusted fish hook through her right nipple – a food crusted dinner fork through her left – probably for decor. She straddled me wildly, her milk-secreting, glandular organs dangling over my face. She giggled while her breast hook scratched my upper lip – I could taste the metallic flavor of my own blood.

“You still want a date with me Bobby?”

Her husband jumped up and down in a frenetic rage of explosive hatred, “Kill him baby! Kill that stupid motherfucker!”

disgusting eyeball

She pulled the fork from her erect nipple and stabbed it into my left eye socket – aqueous and vitreous humor fluid squirted forth – raining back down onto my face. “Tell me another joke Bobby…let’s have a bowl of fruity pebbles together!”

I awakened in a pool of sweat realizing all of this was nothing more than a nightmare. My left eyeball had come out of it’s socket during the dream and was dried onto my pillow – fabric embedded into the tissue. I touched the yellowish optical nerve with my finger and a hang nail got stuck in it – soul searing pain erupted down my spine. I will never bite my nails again. I actually had to drive myself to the hospital with a distended eye, dried onto a dirty pillow case…how embarrassing is that? It only took them a few minutes to remove the pillow case and put my eye back in it’s natural sheath. This may sound like fiction, but it isn’t. Let me explain:

My Affliction

I suffer from bilateral facial weakness, a condition that causes me to sleep with my eyes open. The doctors thought I might have facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy, but it was not that serious. It is common for my eyes to pop out, sometimes in public…without warning.

human eye cross-section

human eye cross-section

One time, I fell asleep on the beach after drinking beer all day. I slept for 7 hours with my eyes wide open. When I woke up, my eyes were already open, so I didn’t have to expend precious energy reopening them – the only good thing about my entire experience.

I couldn’t see and my dehydrated lachrymal ducts were roasted dry. Hideous blood scabs encrusted my eye’s surface, preventing my lids from closing. I was completely blind and staggering about, helpless and terrified. I couldn’t scream as my throat was parched bone dry. I continually choked up sand which had blown into my mouth while sleeping. I stumbled onto the highway and was hit by a truck. I was hospitalized for three weeks and couldn’t see for almost a month. I’m used to these situations, it’s completely normal for me.

For some reason, my condition causes me to have the most riveting nightmares. I usually enjoy them. Well, I enjoy waking up part, realizing they aren’t real. I hope you enjoyed this! I think I’ll drive out to my ex-employer and find Maria, maybe she’s divorced by now.

*The eye pictures are from Wikipedia the eye
*I had to add profanity to this story for proper effect, I hope you found it offensive.
*I found out last week that Maria was stomp kicked in the face by a Clydesdale horse while stumbling drunk at a Budweiser parade in St. Louis. She is blind and paralyzed…bless her heart.