Our Town Body Shaver Passes Away
Today is a sad day here in Long Beach, Mississippi. I woke up this morning and immediately caught a whiff of Mrs. Stankovich roasting a delicious town breakfast for us all. I put on my tattered overalls and rode my mule, Buckwild, seven miles to the town feeding trough. She prepared my favorite, charcoal grilled Great Horned Owl topped with a refreshing, nostril dilating menthol-garlic gravy. Since childhood, the tender flesh of owl has been the standard of delicious cuisine around this area. It was scrumptious.
I ate a giant wooden bowl full of owl (the most popular food here besides squirrel), suckling the bones clean of muscle and sinew as usual. Roslyn sat me down and picked the meat slivers from my teeth while the beautiful Katianna cleaned my ears with her pinky nails. These two have been cleaning my teeth and ears since I was a baby. Now in their early 70’s, they still look sexy and taught me the art of sensual love making when I hit puberty at age eleven - oh my, those were the days…whew.
I now teach their daughters the art of sex, since they turned seventeen earlier this week. Apparently, they were still asleep, worn out from a long night of decadent sin. The last I saw of them, they encompassed a look of satisfaction unbeknownst to most of the town females. Though I was with them for only nine hours, I knew their contentment had lulled them into an exhausted slumber, so I left early. It takes time to work up to a full 13 hours of pulse pounding erotic delight. Their mothers had already seen the video, heard the moans of intense pleasure and were extremely pleased with my services. After the 94 year old Dr. Barry Valehung passes on, I will succeed him as town copulation professor (TCP for short - guess the slang translation) for all female virgins.
I felt a little razor stubble on my chest. Mrs. Stankovich noticed me rubbing my body whiskers and took a saddened look with tears slithering down her decrepit, filth encrusted cheeks. I was crushed to hear that Mrs. Carnillia Longswallow, the town body shaver (TBS) had been murdered just twelve hours earlier. Someone had taken a chainsaw to her, cutting her frail body into 47 pieces. She’s been shaving my body since I was 14 years old. She had been shaving the entire town’s bodies since 1931. What a devastating loss.
Carnillia Longswallow: Town Body Shaver (1931-2008)
I’m sure most of my readers would be devastated if their town body shaver died, and this is a first for us here. Men, women and hairy children from all over will miss her wrinkled hands exploring every inch of their bodies. Her knuckles emblazoned a thicket of blackend hairs, used to quench an occasional itch. Her trembling, arthritic fingers stained with morbid liver spots. An icy-wet touch never forgotten - coaxing chills from the souls of all she fondled. I will teach her grand daughters well. May she rest in peace.
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Very interesting story Bobby, for sure you have your own, very particular and unique style in writing. Did you publish any books? For sure you could try that as well. Cheers.
J. C.
You are so weird Bobby- and I felt bad yesterday for Dan and Teeni saying I was posting porn. You really are a porn star! Eck hairy dudes you better get a town shaver quick!
Wow - very creepy. Town shaver, huh? Now that is an occupation I wouldn’t want and I also wouldn’t want to require her services. Yikes! I was rather looking forward to seeing with mine own eyes what Ms. Longswallow looked like, though. But sadly, the link is going nowhere for me. I’ll be back.
Nice work, Bobby.
@J.C.: Thanks buddy! I have two books I’m writing. One was finished until I had a friend (a professional publisher) read it. I am reworking it to refine it further and it will take several months as I have little time.
@Michelle: Mrs. Longswallow thought I was weird also! The council is voting for a new shaver this week. I hope it’s quick, I look like Sasquatch. Thanks!
@Teeni: You don’t know what you’re missing - it’s absolutely invigorating…haha! You couldn’t see the picture? Thanks so much!
Well. I have always been partial to my 2 HP dog trimmer with human attachments. Of course, on days with no electricity, the fur just “is”.
One day as I was buying my burrito and half gallon pop at Kwik Trip, a woman said that furry guys were appealing to her. I have reflected on that day for years. Was she being sarcastic?? I’ll never know …
Hi Eric! No, women don’t like furry guys, at least not here in my town. There are only seven men, and 7329 women. We are required by law to be hairless
Welcome to Bobby’s Roadkill Cafe where a bowl full of owl and squirrel nuts will provide satisfied customers with the TCP wisdom of sensual love making!
Hi Debbie! It’s quite wonderful living here. When women have babies, they are raised by all the women in our village, much like chimpanzees
HA HAAAA!!!!!!!
This one crazy town
No Eric, it’s not crazy, it’s a Utopian wonderland of odors, body fluids and sexual mania. It’s the rest of the world that’s crazy
I have got two words for the post apart from it being well written Revellian…
‘Its Strange’
LOL - Well, I had to come back to view Ms. Longswallow and I stand by my earlier statement that I wouldn’t want to require her services. She almost looks like a sweet old lady but she looks like she could also be hiding a sinister streak. I like visiting your world, Bobby but I don’t think I’d want to live there!
@Tech Freak: Thank you very much!
@Teeni: Haha! I really wouldn’t want to live there either. For me, writing is an escape from normalcy and a place to explore the absurd and beautifully strange. I was seriously cracking up the entire time I wrote this. When that happens, it makes me happy