I’m taking a break from my usual brutal politics and revulsion of Obama and McCain to talk about something fun: What Bobby Revell Eats Everyday.

I was raised on a traditional southern American diet; lots of meat, cheese, butter, thickened fatty sauces, chocolate, sugar, eggnog and fried chicken. As a young boy, my mother prepared my favorite breakfast every morning: Three gargantuan bacon, egg yolk, butter, cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches deep fried in a thick crust! Each mammoth delight had 12 strips of country bacon, five slices of cheese, six fried egg yolks, four heaping tablespoons of butter and topped in a profusely lush glaze of mayonnaise…YUM.

Since then, I stopped eating all pork because according to cannibals, pork tastes just like human meat. I cannot eat bacon, pork chops, pork roast, ham, pork hotdogs or anything from a disgusting feces eating pig. According to the Kaura tribe in the neighbourhood of Adelaide Australia in 1933, a roasted human infant tastes exactly like roasted pork tenderloin…yeech!

For breakfast today, I ate three quadruple meat, quadruple cheese chili burgers and a gallon of Nestle’s Chocolate milk. I also like strawberry and banana flavored milk – it’s my main beverage.

For lunch, I’ll engorge three pounds of fried fish, glazed in a thickened shellac of mayonnaise, butter and hot sauce; a side order of chili-cheese tator-tots and a two liter ice cold root beer. It can be difficult to satisfy my omnivorous voraciousness – my gluttonous epicurism – my unquenchable desire to devour humongous platters of food and wash them down with buckets of sugary liquids like eggnog and Dr.Pepper.

I have lots of blogging buddies who write about food like Jean, Marzie, Karen, Janice, Bobo, Jamy, Speedy and Teeni. Now check out this morbidly disgusting, fat laden burger I ate four of a few minutes ago for a post-breakfast snack:

Morbidly Disgusting Fat Laden Burger

Morbidly Disgusting Fat Laden Burger

I ate a bottle full of cherry flavored Rolaids and drank a frosty mug full of Pepto-Bismol to correct the acid/base balance in my gastrointestinal tract. I then guzzled down a frothy glass of Alka-Seltzer; after I burped, the pain was alleviated.

To get ready for tonight I will drink seven Stolichnaya Razberi martini’s to initiate my ravenous appetite, redden my eyes and put a twitch in my step. I usually drink a frigid bottle of cold pressed Flax Oil; I like it cold and gelatinous – it keeps my cholesterol low and vascular system unclogged.

I believe that greasy food keeps my joints lubricated and will prevent me from getting arthritis. Extra oil enables my blood cells to easily slide through my veins. Having said that, my body fat is minimal and I am extremely healthy.

Before going to sleep, I usually eat a 12 pack of Three Musketeer’s Chocolate bars with creamy nougat and wash it down with several shots of Everclear 190 proof grain alcohol or a 12 pack of Samuel Adam’s Boston Lager (to induce sleep and strange dreams). I wake up and do it all again. Here’s to your health!

* I really didn’t eat that disgusting burger! It’s from Jones.Trip on Flickr.
* This article is entirely fictional – please don’t eat as described wherein.