Horrified! My Weird Neighbors
The house directly across the street is a rental property and many weird neighbors have come and gone. None have provided such a disgusting spectacle as the freaks that finally moved out today - thank God they are finally gone.
Around three months ago, I walked outside to check the mail; what I saw roasted the fluids in my eyeballs, sending an Arctic chill of abhorrence across the landscapes of my crawling flesh. My new neighbors had a huge beach blanket on the grass - not close to the home, but near the street! The hideously ugly woman looked to be in her 60’s wearing a string bikini with thong bottoms and weighed in at a gargantuan 400 pounds (181 KG). Her boyfriend looked around 25, really skinny and pale, wearing some of those offensively tiny European style swimming trunks. He had one of those punk rock chicken haircuts and sported nipple rings with red feathers hanging from them - I almost vomited.
Horrified Faces
They were rubbing oil all over each other - inappropriately groping and stroking each other’s almost naked bodies right in the middle of the yard in full view of school children. Once my eyes had been defiled with visions of fetid repugnance, I was unable to make it to the mail box. I turned around and ran back inside.
For hours, I waited on them to go inside - but they stayed - lingering like a vile stench. This was just the beginning of my three month ordeal. The boyfriend, husband or whatever he was apparently worked during the day, and I thought I would have a reprieve from this smutty abomination. I woke up one morning at 6:00 am to cut the grass. I walked outside and there she was - standing in the yard rubbing suntan lotion on her wrinkled body - a filthy grandmother dressed like an 18 year old bikini model for a porn magazine.
As soon as I walked outside, the vulgar hag stopped and began staring at me. I walked into my yard and her eyes stayed locked on me like a laser. I felt like a piece of fried chicken on her menu. She stayed outside all day long with the endurance of an arctic sled dog. What was even more offensive was she had six children with her - all the while rubbing lotion on her exposed, lumpy buttocks. As soon as her young boyfriend came home, they put the beach blanket out again for their ghastly lotion ritual. They drank beer and disgustingly polluted our normally conservative neighborhood.
I called the cops on them several times, but they said there was nothing they could do unless they actually had sex - even then, I would need video proof (that would require too much of me). These people never slept! They had outdoor cookouts every night and seemed to never go inside. I was up late, and walked outside at 4:00 am - there they were, outside at all hours of the night. As soon as I walked outside, they both stood up and stared at me. Having said all of this, I actually looked at them for only a split second each time and turned away as soon as I saw them.
I fantasized about taking my shotgun and painting their yard in blood. What kind of people stay awake 24 hours a day, 7 days per week with 2-4 year old children. If I slept 8 hours and walked outside, there they were - making out - molesting one another in a sickeningly grotesque manner while listening to the same Johnny Cash album over and over and over.
Not once in three months was I able to walk outside without seeing them. I actually sharpened my ax one day while thinking about how I could dispose of their bodies. I thought, “What is wrong with you Bobby! Snap out if it before you do something you will regret.”
I once dreamed that I killed the couple with my shotgun, was ordained a national hero and got a book deal from Oprah Winfrey. I saved those poor children too. Then I woke up and realized it was just a great dream. I was almost unable to relax inside my home just knowing these people were out there. They finally moved away today and I cannot tell you how happy I am! It was like being cured from cancer.
Before you even ask…yes, this story is true and I wish it weren’t! I am of course joking about wanting to kill my neighbors:)
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Hey Bobby - we’re in a recession here - do not knock the very necessary job that is the Cabana boy… it pays well and not all cougars are nasty looking. HA HA HA HA
If we go into a full blown depression, you can email your resume to some of my friends.
I think massaging cellulite covered buns gets more respect then blogging for money! ;0P
Hi Michelle! I once worked as a bartender at a casino swimming pool bar. I was known as Cabana Bobby…hahaha!
I shall pass on that massage job…EWWWWWW!!!!
I hate it when neighbors think they own the whole outdoors and make it uncomfortable for everyone else to be around. I am fortunate as we are in a quiet neighborhood and that’s just the way I like it.
Hi Teeni! I think these people were on drugs or something. I like a quiet neighborhood too and bizarre exhibitionists are not my thing!
Ewww. Really disgusting. I can just imagine how invaded all of you felt. The poor children.
Bobby you have the most fascinating observations to share with us….I often wonder if this stuff is just common place and I just miss it because I’m not looking…lol
@Banno: From one perspective, it’s my own fault. I should have worn a bag over my head and I wouldn’t have seen them…haha!
@Morgan: Long time no see Morgan!!! I notice everything! If a sniper his in a tree 1000 yards away, I would notice it!!!
Hi Cabana Bobby, I love that title. I am so glad they moved away and now you can go outside and feel comfortable.
Also no more visions of dead bodies and how to dispose of them.
My ex used to mow our yard in a speedo and he was truly gross looking. I hate speedos!!
Hi Jackie! I’m about to mow the lawn in a skin tight sky-blue spandex jumpsuit with yellow unicorns. Yeah…no more weirdo’s in my neighborhood
hahaah POOR BOBBY!!!! Luckily I have european models with fake D-cup boobs dancing ard in gold bikinis as neighbours.
Wouldn’t you like to switch? 
*hugs* luckily they are gone!
Really Bobo? Hahaha!!! Sure, lets trade homes
Are you suffering from Dr. Phils Ludicrous Strange Dreams (LSD) ?
Hopefully, Nurse Amanda Hugankiss has a treatment for your roasted eyeballs. We don’t want hear you became blind from watching punk rock Hollydale chickens while the fat lady sings!
Yes Miss Funnypenny, I am fried on LSD…hold on, neon pink chickens are trying to kidnap me!