Whew. I have been away from blogging for a few days because of depression..again. It can sometimes be an embarrassing nuisance. I think I might just be insane. After writing an article, Happiness and Depression are Choices, I didn’t expect to be stricken down with my life long adversary so intensely. While I do believe it is largely a choice, I do realize I have a chemical imbalance that strikes without warning and hits with ferocious power.

One thing about depression that I know – and people who have it know – when others first learn about your problem, they are really supportive. When you first reveal you are intensely sad to others, they really help lift you up; however, after many more occurrences, they tend to shy away…and I don’t blame them. Your depression becomes somewhat of a nuisance and they don’t want to hear it – or maybe they just get used to it. It almost becomes like “crying wolf” and is often trivialized by family and friends; maybe not trivialized as much as they become desensitized to it.

People learn to accept the fact you just suffer occasionally like, “Oh Jimmy just gets depressed sometimes, he’ll get over it soon enough.”

To me, and others like me, depression is never good. I have never become desensitized to my own melancholy – I only wish it were like that. I wish I could trivialize my own problems and just wish my inner pain away. I wish my world was filled with perpetual joy and beaming happiness – indigo moonbeams shimmering across kaleidoscopic candy mountains – sunshine, laughter, giggling friends and kitty cats – but it’s not.

All the times in my life when I should have been drenched in cheerful paradise, a blackened storm cloud of hellish vexation hung above me – incendiary tear drops of blistering lava cried from the eyes of Leviathan himself, dropping in molten slabs upon my back. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I sat for hours this week with my finger on the delete button, ready to end this blog. Now you may wonder why on earth I would want to do that. This is my 313th post and in February, I will reach the two year mark. I don’t post as often as most bloggers, but I try to write every article with as much passion as possible. I admit I’m sometimes overly sensitive and a very emotional writer. The one aspect I know I possess in my writing is emotion – regardless of the subject – from horror to politics and all between. I decided to keep my blog. I am thankful to have the foresight to know how bad I would feel if I actually did delete it.

Let me tell you – it is embarrassing to be depressed sometimes. I’ve written some articles and left comments that afterwards made me feel silly – perhaps this will be one of them. After a lifetime of fighting this extremely debilitating condition, I am more skilled at getting over it. It’s so strange…when I feel good, I can barely even remember being depressed – until it latches it’s ugly fangs into my psyche, bleeding out all my happiness – sheathing my pearly white sneakers in bloody secretions.

I am not embarrassed for being depressed, but I am embarrassed for what I do and say while depressed. It’s like being really drunk and making a fool out of yourself. It makes me feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at times.

I know it may seem eccentric or strange, but writing horror makes me feel better…LOL! I wish I had the answer to that. I think it’s my way of purging – to get it all out. But I actually write my best horror when I’m in a good mood as in my last horror fiction piece.

Anyway, I feel partially sane today and actually laughed a few times. I told a friend of mine that I’d be a better president than Obama or McCain. He said, “What? You would be a horrible president – I would be freaking scared to death with a neurotic wacko like you at the helm…and I’m serious, I really mean that. You’d be dropping nukes on countries one day and passing out Christmas presents and candy the next!”

Hahaha!!! Well, that really cracked me up. He was right! I would be a terrible president…LOL!!!