I remember as a three year old child dreaming about how my body would be disposed of upon my eventual death, a beautiful memory romantically cherished by my family. I simply wanted to go green with a green funeral. As a maniacally driven environmental zealot—a radical extremist for going green—proper riddance of my corpse has always been dear to my heart. I’m sure you all thought the same thing as children, deliberating your own finality and how your lifeless carcass would be treated.

The Anti-Conservative Pro-Green Rally

I was saddened to find out it is illegal to dispose of a body in a green way. I sobbed in demented fervor upon discovering burial at sea meant ashes were tossed in the ocean instead of my body being torn to pieces by sharks. Currently, the most popular way is to have your blood replaced with injected formaldehyde, by a mortician, stuffed in a wooden casket and buried. Over time, the noxious vapors and excess formaldehyde gas leak out, poisoning the sweet green earth and regurgitating carcinogenic compounds into the water table, spreading cancer among the masses and polluting our lustrous blue planet.

“A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.” – Ambrose Bierce

I was talking to some fellow green fanatics yesterday at the local “Anti-Conservative Pro-Green Rally” to participate in hating all non-green people and throw natural earth rocks at gas ingurgitating SUV’s. The chairman asked me how I was going to have my own body disposed. I told him I had chosen a French polished teak-wood casket with imported muskrat fur lining and Temperpedic pillow shrouded in handwoven magenta silk. Before I could finish delineating the lavish splendor of my casket, his face flushed in crimson anger. He said, “How dare you even think about that you non-green earth hater. Hey everyone, this piece of human tripe says he wants to be buried in a casket.”

A young woman with two little girls said, “Kill the son-of-a-bitch.”

Her four year old daughter said, “You gonna poison our water and kill our life giving soil mister?”

They tied me to a chair with rope and gave me a gut wrenching sermon on what it means to be green. They encircled me in a vexing horde of evil and spat in my face, triple-headed lugies twirling into my hair and splotching my shirt. They beat the meaning of green into my ignorant mind. They untied me after a grueling four hour inquisition.

“In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.” -George Ade

To make a long story short, I asked them how they would have their carcasses disposed of. The general consensus was cremation. I stood up and screamed while pointing at them, “You filthy earth hating heretics. The poisonous gases erupting from a cremated body produces toxic contaminants, fills the beautifully crisp life-giving air with noxious pollutants and is simply un-green.” They stood in awe of me and agreed that I was in fact . . . correct.

The Green Funeral Movement
Hungry Shark Eager To Help Out

Nature's Casket: Eco-friendly Shark Eager To Help Out

I have since started a political movement called The Green Funeral Movement. I have drafted some earth loving techniques that while controversial, are a green friendly alternative to standard burial or cremation. Besides donating your corpse to science, which could possibly be un-green, the best way to dispose of human remains is to feed it to wild animals, leaving nothing but bones behind. I asked my mother when I was five if I could have my body bled and dropped in the ocean to be ravaged by ravenous sharks in a feeding frenzy. It turned out to be a prophetic question which has now come to fruition. It was either that, or become a star corpse in an underground necrophiliac film.

Advantages of my green corpse disposal plan:
  • Only bones are left behind after being eaten by an animal
  • Bones don’t pollute the environment
  • Bones become nutritious fertilizer for a life giving topsoil
  • Wild animals love gnawing on bones, it keeps their teeth and gums healthy and strong
  • No cancer causing formaldehyde is used
  • Ultra low cost. Just pay for the gas to take bodies into the wild (maybe not, gas is evil)
  • No casket purchase
  • Leave no funeral costs to remaining family which can leave them homeless and destitute
  • Saves wild animals from starvation
  • Actually good for the environment
  • Prevents good land from being destroyed by toxic land wasting graveyards
  • Makes for intense animal documentaries

As you can see, the benefits are quite wonderful, not to mention green. If we can change those religion driven, idiotic laws destroying our right to be disposed of as we wish in a beneficial green way, life will be so much better for our future children.

“Funeral pomp is more for the vanity of the living than for the honor of the dead.” – Francois De La Rochefoucauld

If it passes, how would you like to be disposed of? Torn to shreds by rapacious grizzly bears? Gnawed into slivers by lions? Rived into meat chunks and bone in the razor sharp teeth of a great white shark? Swallowed whole by an eighteen foot Nile crocodile? As you can see, the possibilities are immeasurable and exciting!

Do you agree/disagree? What say you?

*The wickedly awesome shark pic is from Fiddler’s Green
*This post might be fallacious ingannation

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