My friend Debbie aka Miss MoneyPenny (read her Secret Beaver Box) and I were discussing the idea of Worded Wednesday rather than Wordless Wednesday – not by any means a new idea, but definitely an interesting one. I’ve decided to do both simultaneously because of my penchant for dualistic comprehension. She is expecting me to write about beavers, but how can we discuss beavers without that sensation restricting implement known as the condom?

My woman and I are separated
Oh no that’s terrible
No worries . . . it’s only by 0.05mm

Most of us guys are big fans of the beaver. It might be a clean shaven beaver, beaver with a neatly trimmed mustache, beaver with protuberances and heavy gray beard (eww) or many other wondrous variations of decor – we really love them – they are our favorite animals. Before the modern man – like me – partakes of the beaveristic delights, I must:

  • Have it examined by a trained medical professional
  • Trim its claws
  • Have it tested for disease
  • Make sure it is clean
  • Have a history of previous owners
  • Would prefer accompanying paper work and credentials
  • Make sure it doesn’t bite
  • Make sure it gets its shots
  • Or simply have a thin shield of latex for protection

“If I were a porn star, my name would be Beaver Cleaver . . . think about it” -Bobby Revell

I found these bizarre condom patents on Google Patent Search – my favorite is the first, very romantic indeed:

Oral Condom for Preventing Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Oral Condom for Preventing Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Kissing Shield

Kissing Shield

Ankle holder for carrying condom packages

Ankle holder for carrying condom packages

Prophylactic device for use with a telephone

Prophylactic device for use with a telephone

TV mute finger ring - so you can hear the groans (or screams)

TV mute finger ring - so you can hear the groans (or screams)

Multi-purpose latex condom headgear - multiple uses

Multi-purpose latex condom headgear - multiple uses

You may be under the misapprehension that kissing is safe . . . it is not. The kissing shield might serve you well. For more information, read my informative article Is Kissing Safe? I describe what happened to a high school buddy when he simply kissed a girl once and his life has never been the same.

“The Pope has swept through Africa, where 5 million people are already infected with the AIDS virus, and which expects by the end of the century to have 10 million orphans whose parents have died of AIDS – and told them not to use condoms” -Brenda Maddox

“Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II… Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?” -Conan O’Brien

“Recently, there’s been a trend in America that I find very disturbing . . . rewarding immoral and illegal behavior . . .  For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.” -Bill Maher

Now a poem I wrote in high school and was suspended for three days by an overly conservative administration. It could be considered offensive by some, so do not read it if you are easily offended:

Rubber

Sheathed in this rubber
I feel enveloped
in my saccule of plastic
deadened by this hull
this shroud seems too drastic
under thickened husk
more than a mouthful

Galvanized encruster
cutting off the feeling
veiling enwrapper
sensation you are stealing
beneath my synthetic rind
my gonad bark
my cortex wrapping
my hide casing
hiding the real me

I’m about to explode
imprisoned in this rubber
my unsquirted load
You protect me from venereal infection
but I can’t feel the friction
with my hooded erection
can’t even spurt my sea men
from my shielded ejection

my latex vesicle
my lubricated utricle
ruining it all. . .

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