What do you do after a lifetime of harrowing depression and you feel healed? It’s been a while since I’ve written about me as I’ve been so into fiction writing. This is by far the longest period of time I haven’t felt like dying in over twenty years. This is almost worse than being depressed in many respects . . . like being trapped alone in a strange new world.
I feel like some guy who was wrongly accused of murder and imprisoned for twenty years–locked in solitary confinement; then given a reprieve and spat back into society. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. It’s like learning how to live again. Sometimes, I just want to crawl back in my black hole of misery to suffer. For crying out loud, it’s really all I know how to do. But I cannot go back to that. I cannot go back to my old friends.
There are many dark chapters in my life I have never shared here and I’m not quite sure I want to. When I originally started writing about my depression, tons of readers came here in support. I got used to that. It becomes another addiction . . . the need for constant feedback and support. I fed off of it. It made me feel like somebody understood.
I decided last year that the feedback, support, sympathetic and empathetic friends coming by began doing me more harm than good. There is a such thing as becoming dependent on the nurturing love of others. There comes a time when you must go out on your own and just deal with it . . . to be tough, strong and independent. That’s what I did and that’s when my depression ended. Go figure.
I have a lot of blogging friends who suffer depression, PTSD, addiction recovery and a myriad of other problems–many far worse than anything I’ve ever been through. Many have built their entire sites around depression and so forth. My question to them is how long must it go on? When you reach the point of truly getting over your problems and the healing is done, what happens next? Some people may never find solace in their minds and struggle for the rest of their lives. I decided that will not be me. I will be free of this hell. I will be healed. There is only so much catharsis a person should have to experience before an apex occurs . . . right? There came a point where empathy of others and writing about my own problems made me feel like a cry baby . . . it’s a weird realization, but that’s what happened.
I am here right now. I am not depressed. I am healed. At the same time–in the process–I have rid myself of nearly every friend I’ve ever had. Most are drug addicts and I cannot associate with them. I cannot afford to be around anything illegal. Hey . . . I finally grew up. The worst thing I do is drink coffee.
So you wake up one day all alone with no one. No friends. No problems. No depression. No idea what to do next. No idea how to live. All I know is this is better than what it was. And I’m safe. Reborn. Scared. Lonely.
A stranger in the mirror.
But I’m on the right path.



#1 by Shameka at January 27th, 2009
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Congrats. *hugs*
I can understand and empathize.
I just take things one day at a time…
#2 by Melissa Donovan at January 27th, 2009
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Good for you! I know there are lots of sites (and people) that offer excellent support and encouragement for depression and other aliments of the heart and mind, but I’ve found a few to be pity parties. That sounds a bit harsh, perhaps, but the truth is, you get help, you get well, and you move on. That’s the best way and you’re there. So stay there.
#3 by Marlborogirl at January 27th, 2009
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Thanks for the post,
I like the subject that you touched,
I guess that those people get involved themselves into this kind of depression, and this all turned into their style of life,
Nice question : “When you reach the point of truly getting over your problems and the healing is done, what happens next? ”
They do not have an aim. , thus cannot see the problem created.
#4 by paisley at January 27th, 2009
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i wake up alone like that lots of days.. for some reason it never lasts tho… “she” comes back,, and i sink right back in her old familiar arms… life is wasting away.. i am wasting away and i still don’t even know how to live…
i wonder sometimes if maybe that is why i became an addict in the first place… so that i didn’t have to feel like this all the time….
get my test results and treatment plan today… so i ought to be in a wonderful frame of mind by 4pm pacific……
i am always here bobby,, not sure how much help i am,, but i have seen you grow and change and regress and move forward for a couple of years now,, and no matter what,, you and i always seem to come back fighting,, at least for awhile….
#5 by meleah rebeccah at January 27th, 2009
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I do believe a lot of it is mind over matter. Yes, there are some people that are clinically depressed that need to be medicated to balance the chemicals in their brains..and then there are other people (like you) who simply had enough of being depressed and make themselves GET BETTER.
I have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome since I was a child. I was medicated and sent to therapy for YEARS. It wasn’t until I stopped talking about IT and went OFF the meds that I felt better. FINALLY.
#6 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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@Shameka: I don’t take one day at a time. I live breath to breath:)
@Melissa: Some are pity parties and some are necessities–it’s impossible to discern one from another. I support many folks struggling with their problems and hope they all get to the point of finality. Once that happens, they find themselves in a strange place. What will they blog about afterwards?
@Marlborogirl: I just cannot stay sane living a depression based lifestyle. I came to the point where continually bringing it up became detrimental.
@Paisley: There is only one reality for those of us addicted to drugs: we cannot be around anyone using them and must avoid them at all costs. They say in drug/alcohol treatment you never win–it’s an endless fight. I disagree. I’ve won that fight and will not concede…even in death.
@Meleah: I take no medications anymore and feel human again. Medications only masked my problems. I know some people have to take them, but their problems are far worse than mine–they didn’t help me. If I constantly think about depression, I tend to stay depressed. On the other hand, writing hardcore horror makes me feel good. I wish I knew why LOL!
#7 by Miragi at January 27th, 2009
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Exactly! I kind of had this weird epiphany at the end of the year….after cutting off all the meds, and starting to feel human again. It’s a definite Catch 22….you feed off the support, and the discussion and the conversations with others, and yet it continues to keep you in that down spot. I can’t say that I’m all better yet….because I feel like I might jinx it.
I just came to the realization that I did NOT want to be defined by it. I don’t ever want to be defined by an illness. Last year was a bout of unholy bullshit which I hope to never encounter again. So I am at least taking the steps to make changes so that even if another shitstorm hits the fan, I’ll be able to deal with it differently than in the past.
Great line by my Fighters of the Foo: “You are not alone dear loneliness”….
I am alone….more so probably by choice than by circumstance. Married by phone, not really wanting to venture out to find out what’s out in the real world. I miss friendships….sometimes. Other times I do nothing but crave being completely unencumbered by the presence of anyone else.
It’s a weird existence we live, I guess
Thank you as always for sparking my thoughts!
XO
Mi
#8 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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Hi Mi, yes indeed it can define you. Some people can deal with that. Some overcome depression and spend their lives helping others with similar problems. Some inadvertently keep their depression going through helping others–purposefully suffering themselves. It takes a special kind of person whop can help others (when they themselves have suffered horrific depression) and remain happy doing it; I am not one of those people.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be depressed again, but I know it is possible. If it does, I know what to do. This may sound weird, but writing extremely harrowing fiction serves as catharsis for my insanity–that’s why I write it. It certainly doesn’t appeal to everyone, but I am good at it and it keeps me happy. Every horrifyingly dark thought I have ends up in a story–not my head:)
#9 by Michelle Gartner at January 27th, 2009
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Hi Sweet-tart- Reading this was like reading a post I could have written… although I have never blogged about depression. Online I keep my blogging semi-impersonal.
I do understand feeding off people regarding depression, anxiety, and addiction. I have suffered from depression- for about five years though I have been doing quite well without medication for many years. I could use more light in the Winter though! I try not to dwell on it or even talk about it- because at this point it serves no purpose. It also grates on my nerves to have people go on about their issues even if they claim they are better.
Once we had this guy at our house who had been sober for 20 years and he still kept talking about drinking and AA. It was like he was addicted to AA. I thought it was too wild to talk about hooch and getting into trouble if you haven’t done the deed in 20 years!!!
I quit psychology because I found that I would get annoyed at people who kept carrying their old crap around. Luckily I found out very early on that if I was a psychologist and I analyzed people I would get VERY put out if they were in therapy for 10 years and doing the same old crap. thankfully I had a good adviser in undergraduate who knew that I would probably end up getting frustrated at clients. That’s why I am accountant…
You will get used to the other side. At first it is hard because sometimes I think being depressed is really really easy work. Even now I still have to guard myself from taking the easy route. People don’t want to hear that- but even depressed people have choices on how to cope with it and they aren’t helpless.
#10 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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Hi Michelle,
Well, my depression certainly wasn’t easy, but when it began to subside (after nearly a lifetime, 10 years of therapy and numerous medications) the next step was just getting over it. Before that point, I could not just get over it. I believe my depression was caused by chemical imbalance–and now for some reason perhaps my brain chemistry is working correctly. I am convinced that none of the therapy or medications had anything to do with my feeling normal. My depression always came about unprovoked and in the midst of feeling great or not–hitting me like a ton of bricks from nowhere–completely unexplainable. I sometimes feel like I’m on a fragile thread with my new found freedom from insanity–it could snap and though I been through endless therapy, have strong coping skills and have read literally hundreds of books about it, I have never been “in control” of my depression. All I know is it’s gone and I cannot dwell on what was. If it happens again, I will survive.
Sometimes, just hearing or reading about people’s issues can grate on my nerves too. On the other hand, hearing about people’s successes and accomplishments (especially on blogs) gets under my skin something fierce hahaaha! You know the ones: I make 10,000 per month blogging or I have 547 million Twitter followers. I just want to throw rotten eggs at them
#11 by Avery K. Tingle at January 27th, 2009
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Bobby, you are truly one of the most inspirational people I have ever met, and I can tell you that if you have come to a point where you can publicly acknowledge your faults…then you’re further along than you think
One foot in front of the other, and you will get to where you are going. You keep a great blog; thanks for making it public.
#12 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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Thanks Avery, not feeling like schizoid death is happiness to me–not feeling bad is freaking joy
Sometimes, going public is not good and there’s a lot I probably will not. But I share when I have too–the rest won’t help anyone.
#13 by Jennifer at January 27th, 2009
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Bobby — What a great feeling that must be. Welcome to your brave new world!
I know what you mean about certain blogs and about feeling dependent on comments for validation. While I’m definitely using my blog as therapy, I want to leave what I’m writing about behind. I have no desire to stay mired (not that I think these other bloggers do, but sometimes when the darkness is all you know, recovery is, well, unknown and scary. Which is part of what you are writing about here).
My father has struggled with treatment resistant depression for most of his adult life and has been on every sort of medication available (in addition to trying ECT). I have a complicated relationship with depression because of his experiences (and my experiences with him!). Yes, there is something chemical going on, mixed in with his own fucked-up childhood, but he also has nothing to keep him going. No responsibilities or job or real reason to get out of bed in the morning. My stepmother takes very good care of him (he is lucky), but sometimes I think he needs a kick in the ass, or an indication that he is needed in some fundamental way. Then I feel guilty, b/c this kind of thinking implies that he is in some way responsible for his depression.
Anyway, it is probably b/c of him that I have never pursued antidepressants and have ever explored whether I’ve been depressed. Instead, I muddle through the dark times, for better or worse.
Sorry if this is rambling …
#14 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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Hi Jennifer! It is scary. I’ve always been a fairly confident person, but when depression struck, it seriously tested my will to survive. The way I see it, once all those things are written, it’s time to move forward. I’m sure I’ll write some things as needed. Once written, it’s out of my system. I must say, writing about my past has helped me immensely and I know many others must do it too. I try to support the ones I know.
I understand that about your father. Sounds like he is being enabled–a common problem as you know. Two people adding to one problem out of love. On the other hand, some people probably cannot recover from it–it’s a difficult deal all around. I felt like writing this post, I am implying that depressed people or site owners with depression based sites are staying depressed on purpose–but I know it’s not true. I will not feel guilty about anything I write–this is just how I felt today.
You don’t strike me as depressed. You seem to be someone who studied the mistakes of others and your own life–a curse and blessing–you’re picking up the pieces and truly becoming who you are. That’s why I like you so much
#15 by ~willow~ at January 27th, 2009
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That’s one of the reasons my ranting willow blog soon turned into a creative writing outlet… I had a need to vent and explore some things from my past, to understand my past, but not to the extent that the past should consume me!
Rebirth is good. Keep in the present, the here and now. One day at a time.
Good luck!
#16 by Revellian at January 27th, 2009
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Hi Willow! A little ranting is good sometimes, but eventually…hopefully we get to a point where new paths are forged.
I’ve taken this blog in a creative writing direction and I love it! I just wish everyone liked reading my horrific stories LOL (I have a hard time containing the insanity)! Good luck to you too
#17 by bokjae at January 27th, 2009
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Now I know a bit more about you Bobby!!! thanks for sharing. I guess all of us have our sordid past that we are not bold enough to share!!! More of a fear of rejection! Relationships are always marred by these but it will help if we pluck-up enough courage to share with someone close to us!!!
“Gong Xi Fa Cai” to you! ( Hope U know what it means) Drop by to let U know that my new blog is now at http://www.jangbokjae.com Thanks and have a wonderful start to the Year of The Golden Ox! Please update my url!
#18 by jesse at January 28th, 2009
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hi! i am so glad to hear and read all this. you are teaching others by sharing so much of yourself,you are amazingly strong and honest! i am certain that this new man emerging will be very interesting and just as wonderful! enjoy getting to know him. loads of love to you
#19 by Revellian at January 28th, 2009
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@Bokjae: Thanks! I can’t share everything…somethings are best forgotten. Congrats on your new site!
@Jesse: Thank you! I don’t know if I’m “teaching” anyone anything, but I had to get the feeling out. To me, it’s a matter of becoming used to not feeling like holocaust victim who just saw his family killed 24 hours per day. That may take a while. Loads of love to you too
#20 by Evelyn at January 28th, 2009
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Oh, but you are teaching. I will overstep my boundaries here and tell you that I am very proud of you! I’ve read and thought about your story for a couple of days and I do understand the emotions you describe.
While I didn’t get “spat back into society” (I love that phrase by the way), I was let out of my “cage” and mentally released from the controlling people in my life. They didn’t go anywhere, I just shook them off and finally figured out how to effectively tell them to back the F’ off! That of course came after a shrink confirmed for me that I’m an adult. Yeah, they were that controlling.
To put a positive spin on your “dark chapters,” I must say that in spite of the anguish they’ve caused you, they now seem to be part of the fuel that fires your literary finger tips. You are braver for them and braver yet for having overcome them.
I don’t mind telling you that your writing does frighten me. But, take that as a compliment because you’ll notice that I keep coming back!
#21 by Revellian at January 28th, 2009
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Thanks Evelyn! Overstep your boundaries? I have no boundaries, so step all you want.
It’s a feeling of freedom to not have others controlling you isn’t it. Sometimes you have to drop people from your life, especially if they are toxic and make you feel bad. A controlling type of person is usually always someone who feels inadequate, inferior or insecure and must hold others hostage to feel in control or strong.
My writing frightens you? Haha…I suppose some of it is meant to. I wrote my first horror story in first grade. That was the beginning of my being treated like a reject by teachers all through school. I am just naturally inclined to write the way I do. Happy go lucky stories about heartfelt sentiment bores me to tears and is so overdone–the entire genre has become a
cliché. I think most stories are like stories about stories and aren’t really stories themselves if that makes any sense. I like explicit details and picking something else to leave to the imagination of the reader
#22 by Evelyn at January 28th, 2009
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Yes, holding another hostage is certainly a fitting description! Insecurity would be my guess.
I will try to keep my writing, always, from sounding trite! Try.
Hmmm… “I think most stories are like stories about stories and aren’t really stories themselves if that makes any sense. I like explicit details and picking something else to leave to the imagination of the reader”
You’re teaching again. You set an example and you provide ideas. What is that if not teaching? I win!
#23 by Revellian at January 28th, 2009
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Hahaha…I am merely a student Evelyn–learning from you and everyone else. My opinions change daily (on purpose) because I believe writers are the most opinionated people on earth. Once an opinion is chosen, it seems to be a detriment not a positive thing. We both win!
#24 by teeni at January 28th, 2009
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The thing that stood out for me in this post was your realization that all the sympathy/empathy from commentators was actually detrimental to your health. I think it is easy for people to succumb into a victim role when those things happen so it is really important to take a step back and realize that people mean well but you can’t allow that to happen. It’s a weird dynamic that means well but doesn’t always work out that way. Anyway, I’m glad you realized it and that it made a big difference in your mental health. Big hugs to you!
#25 by Revellian at January 28th, 2009
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You’re so sweet Teeni! I think of it as “tough self love”. I realize many folks need the empathy and a shoulder to cry on–they aren’t out of the woods yet. But some are addicted to it as it goes on for too long. Others just give up.
If you give an animal food, they will eventually stop hunting for themselves and grow dependent. I feel totally different that I did last year. Big hugs to you too!
#26 by isabella mori at January 28th, 2009
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wow, there is so much “meat” in this post!
it reminds me a bit of the time after i had gotten rid of the not-so-great (=abusive) husband. slowly, i realized that many of my friendships with women were based on our common experiences of loser spouses. i had to completely reinvent my relationships.
i’m going to be on a panel at the northern voice blogging conference where we’ll discuss blogging and mental health. what you bring up is something that i’ll mention, if it’s alright with you.
#27 by Revellian at January 28th, 2009
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Thanks Isabella! I would be honored. I’ve had the same experience with friends based on common experience. Sometimes those friendships fizzle when you grow and move on. For crying out loud, I just wanna be regular friends and have more than just one facet. It’s wonderful when that happens.
I’m glad you moved on from your abusive husband…it’s extremely difficult. By the way…you have a really deep blog–both complex and simplistic
#28 by Miss Moneypenny at January 29th, 2009
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Hi Bobby!
Some Food for thought…
Considering caffeine is the most common mood-altering drug on the market, I wonder how much caffeine affects our perception like health versus depression.
Some believe Americans suffer health problems due to our diet of processed foods versus natural foods. And, some believe American Depression is caused by processed and manufactured foods since the refined ingredients kill the nutrients that our brains need to stay healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
Apparently, food preservatives and other chemicals cause sickness, leave toxins in our bodies, and reduce the nutrients needed for healthy living. Although some meat and vegetables may have unhealthy chemicals in them, the nutritional benefit alone makes them a better alternative to processed foods.
#29 by Revellian at January 29th, 2009
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Hi Debbie! I for one don’t eat hardly any processed foods and I eat no corn syrup laden foods (like candy, sodas, fruity pebbles, etc).
Overall, I still doubt depression is caused by food (maybe in a small percentage of cases). Processed sugars are worse than saturated fats in my book.
I drink coffee occasionally, but not every day. I drink it black. My main beverage is unsweetened green tea (cold or hot). It took years to get used to, but it’s my favorite and I drink it everyday…by the gallon LOL!
#30 by Selma at January 29th, 2009
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I hear ya. I am loathe to post on depression anymore for the reasons you have mentioned. It is not good to begin to crave the supportive comments. Sometimes I don’t recognise myself in that mirror anymore, but I remind myself it is not a stranger – it is the NEW me!!
#31 by Revellian at January 29th, 2009
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Hi Selma! Sometime last year, I lost most of my depression friends once I was no longer depressed. Many really helped me out, so it was beneficial to a point.
Yes…this is the new me also. It’s like I just refuse to feel bad. In some ways it’s indifference, but I cannot allow the world to weigh me down. Congrats on the NEW YOU!!!!