Posts Tagged broken heart

Memories of Sweet Sadness

In 2001, I had a job managing a health food/vitamin store which I absolutely loved. There were lots of available women around every corner as it was in a very popular outlet mall. One day, this incredibly charismatic and attractive woman came in. We were both smiling and couldn’t stop looking at each other – my heart was pounding and I became this giggling little kid unable to hide his nervousness.

We talked for around twenty minutes and finally, she said she had to go because she was shopping with her mother and had to meet back up with her. She walked out and I thought, “No…how does this happen to me?”

I wished she would come back and I waited, pacing the floor; staring out the front window…hoping. Finally, I decided to give up and started to straighten up some shelves. Suddenly, she walked back in with her mother; catching me off guard. The three of us had a fantastic conversation – intense but fun questions and answers flying about – it was absolute fun!

Her mother, almost on cue, said goodbye and left her daughter to chat with me a little longer. What a great mom she had! I knew I had to take action right then. I told her, “When you left earlier, I was devastated…even though I just met you. Right now, my heart is beating so fast, I can barely talk…”

Her face became flushed in crimson – I knew mine was too but I somehow asked her, “Would you…”

She cut me off, blurting out, “YES! I will go out with you…hahaha!”

We both exploded in laughter…tears welled up in her eyes and I walked over and asked her if I could hug her before she left – she threw her arms around me and I held her for what seemed like hours. Her mother popped up, gawking through the window at us…leaving us both red faced and intoxicated with infatuation.

We dated for a brief period of time after that. Really, it was quite wonderful and I will never forget her. I was calling her endlessly for weeks but noticed that she never called me. I wondered what would happen if I stopped calling her. Would she call me? Would she forget about me? It was something I really needed to know. I didn’t want to ask her because I felt like actions speak much louder than words.

One day, I stopped calling her. Several days went by and I incessantly thought for sure she would call me back. That was seven years ago…I never heard from her again. What she never knew, was that I fell in love with her the day I met her. It’s a beautifully somber memory to have – though I did get over it – I often wonder what became of her.

Tags: , ,

23 Comments

Dying From a Broken Heart

I remember how beautiful it was, when I first began blogging, how eager and innocent my attitude was. I remember how it felt to make new friends and how joyous it all seemed. I was in such a lonely situation, having the love of my life leave me when I was just about to ask her to marry me.

In many ways, blogging saved me. I had new friends that listened to what I had to say. People actually cared that my life had been nearly destroyed. Most of my family is gone an so are most of my friends. I have been burned to a crisp by love and risen from the ashes time and time again.

There must come a point when a person can no longer rise, shouldn’t there? I often wonder why I am still here. There must be a reason, yet in my heart, I feel empty. I feel cold and alone. I feel like I no longer want to be in this life.

When growing up, I thought I would graduate from college, meet the girl of my dreams and live happily ever after. It didn’t work that way for me and for those of you that are lucky enough to have that kind of life, do not ever forget how fortunate you are.

That wondrous feeling I once had for blogging, much like my dreams of love, have wilted like petals from a dying flower. I got all caught up in the technical aspect of blogging and it has completely destroyed my drive to even read a single post. It has become a passionless chore for me to get up and write.

Can someone die from a broken heart? I don’t know, but it must surely be better than living with one. Many of you might not understand how hard it is to wake up everyday alone and know that when you go to sleep, you will go to sleep alone. It’s a feeling that I can no longer bear.

I don’t know if I will be back to ever write another post. I am so depressed and sad right now, I wish I could give you an answer. All I know is that this blog, which once meant so much to me, feels dead. I feel dead.

Some of you who know me well, know I suffer from depression. I have never hidden anything about myself from you. Right now, I am very sick, very scared and very empty. I love my friends very much. I wish I felt normal and happy, but I do not.

I constantly think of deleting this blog and lately when I write, it’s all I think about. I am truly sorry that I am telling you this. I hope I can feel better soon, but it is making me sick just writing this. I hope I feel better one day, but I do not think it will be soon. I just want this feeling to go away.

In the event that I do not return, I want to say, goodbye.

Tags: ,

142 Comments