I was driving along the beach last night and decided to stop for a little while. I took my shoes off and walked down to the water’s edge and sat down. I never go to the beach anymore, especially at night, as it reminds me of my an ex-girlfriend. It was warm, but a nice balmy breeze rolled across my face as I stared into the starry sky.
I thought about my life. I thought about how I had to sever ties with so many friends the past few years. Nearly every friend I’ve ever had has either moved away , died, gone to prison or are drug addicts. I don’t judge people for using drugs and I have used them myself. I grew up and no longer do things like that. If someone is using drugs and especially if they carry them around in their pockets, I cannot be their friend. I’ve seen many of my friends go to prison and many have died from them; however, I can and will help any of them if they want it. As I looked into the sky, I felt relieved that I am strong enough to make wise decisions no matter how much they hurt.
I watched shrimp boats off in the distance and felt a sadness in my heart. I realized how alone I am in my life. I have my family and my blogging buddies – that’s all I have. I was thinking about how many people I know who are happily married with families and how they celebrate life. My life is so different than theirs. It’s extremely difficult to not be bitter when people have wonderful relationships – while your own life is filled with rejection and unbelievable disappointments.
Imagine that you’re starving and someone is telling you about their new house, new sports car and how they just ate a huge meal – all the while, you’re sick and stomach is extremely empty. Imagine being poor and unable to buy your children a toy. Someone then tells you about how they received endless Christmas gifts. You tell them how wonderful it must be for them – inside you are in pain, holding back a storm of tears. Bitterness is like fire, it engulfs your soul and fills you with sadness. It can destroy your life.
Storm of Tears
I choose to not be bitter. I choose to not allow myself to feel bad because someone has a great life. Instead, I will celebrate with them. I congratulate them and truly mean what I say. I choose to not hold sadness in my heart. So I sat thinking all this while staring into the midnight sky. The place that used to bring me pain and only remind me of lost love has taken on new meaning. I feel like I am just starting to love my life and myself. I felt tears well up and one trickled down my cheek. At that very moment, a shooting star blazed across the heavens. I wished that I would find my soul mate – someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t necessarily believe in such wishes, but that shooting star came at such a strange time. I sat there crying, sitting in the sand. It started to rain soon after, and I cried even more. It seemed that every drop of rain were tears from the bottom of my soul. Lightning struck the water and tentacles of electric fire danced across the waves. I smiled and awaited the thunder.
The lightning picture is from Moonsheep.
