Emerald beards of grass bladed sweet under apricot sky; cotton candy breeze, banana sun and warmth healing forlorn hearts–or tearing them apart. It was 6 AM. Too early for liquor, beer and millionaire golfers but I was the country club bartender. The gated community of Windance was stained with vicious rumors, ego-maniacal fools and blistering women. Mornings were nice–filling ice chests with Budweiser, Heineken and Coors–chatting with the early birds. The older ladies came in scented of coconut sunscreen wanting cups of water with lemon to perfume sulfured artesian.
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Posts Tagged sadness
Stranger In The Mirror
Jan 27
What do you do after a lifetime of harrowing depression and you feel healed? It’s been a while since I’ve written about me as I’ve been so into fiction writing. This is by far the longest period of time I haven’t felt like dying in over twenty years. This is almost worse than being depressed in many respects . . . like being trapped alone in a strange new world.
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I’ve never been a materialistic person. I could lose everything I own because ultimately, it means absolutely nothing to me. My most prized possessions are my guitars – all of which I built myself from scratch – yet I would not shed a single tear if they burned in a fire. Actually, I have given many of them away as gifts to friends and family. Sure I like them, but I do not love them. It is impossible for me as a human being to love any inanimate object.
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Searing wind gushed through my hair as I drove along the 1-40 connector – my trembling fingers barely able to hold the steering wheel – my life falling apart. My air-conditioner stopped working minutes earlier, adding layers of torment to an already scarring afternoon. I cannot believe they fired me. I went through the memory over and over…how could they care so little? Why does this always happen to me?
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I’ve suffered from severe depression my entire life and experienced much sadness. Severing toxic friendships has been a necessity for me, but it has also nearly destroyed me. It is my hope that tis article will help someone out there, even if it’s only one person.
When I grew up, I never fit in to the normal cliques, I was extremely rebellious and my friends were too. All of my friends used drugs, I sincerely mean every single one of them. I can’t name a single person I know who doesn’t use drugs or have a severe drinking problem, except for my immediate family.
I’m not going get into detail – not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. Actually, I’m not allowed to right now. Basically, my friends started going to prison. One of my best friends from highschool, Brian, lost his mind. He tried to kill his own mother with a butcher knife. His father beat him half to death with a baseball bat and saved her life. He was committed to a mental ward and is now a vegetable who lives on government disability.
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Storm of Tears
Apr 4
I was driving along the beach last night and decided to stop for a little while. I took my shoes off and walked down to the water’s edge and sat down. I never go to the beach anymore, especially at night, as it reminds me of my an ex-girlfriend. It was warm, but a nice balmy breeze rolled across my face as I stared into the starry sky.
I thought about my life. I thought about how I had to sever ties with so many friends the past few years. Nearly every friend I’ve ever had has either moved away , died, gone to prison or are drug addicts. I don’t judge people for using drugs and I have used them myself. I grew up and no longer do things like that. If someone is using drugs and especially if they carry them around in their pockets, I cannot be their friend. I’ve seen many of my friends go to prison and many have died from them; however, I can and will help any of them if they want it. As I looked into the sky, I felt relieved that I am strong enough to make wise decisions no matter how much they hurt.
I watched shrimp boats off in the distance and felt a sadness in my heart. I realized how alone I am in my life. I have my family and my blogging buddies – that’s all I have. I was thinking about how many people I know who are happily married with families and how they celebrate life. My life is so different than theirs. It’s extremely difficult to not be bitter when people have wonderful relationships – while your own life is filled with rejection and unbelievable disappointments.
Imagine that you’re starving and someone is telling you about their new house, new sports car and how they just ate a huge meal – all the while, you’re sick and stomach is extremely empty. Imagine being poor and unable to buy your children a toy. Someone then tells you about how they received endless Christmas gifts. You tell them how wonderful it must be for them – inside you are in pain, holding back a storm of tears. Bitterness is like fire, it engulfs your soul and fills you with sadness. It can destroy your life.
Storm of Tears
I choose to not be bitter. I choose to not allow myself to feel bad because someone has a great life. Instead, I will celebrate with them. I congratulate them and truly mean what I say. I choose to not hold sadness in my heart. So I sat thinking all this while staring into the midnight sky. The place that used to bring me pain and only remind me of lost love has taken on new meaning. I feel like I am just starting to love my life and myself. I felt tears well up and one trickled down my cheek. At that very moment, a shooting star blazed across the heavens. I wished that I would find my soul mate – someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t necessarily believe in such wishes, but that shooting star came at such a strange time. I sat there crying, sitting in the sand. It started to rain soon after, and I cried even more. It seemed that every drop of rain were tears from the bottom of my soul. Lightning struck the water and tentacles of electric fire danced across the waves. I smiled and awaited the thunder.
The lightning picture is from Moonsheep.
In 2001, I had a job managing a health food/vitamin store which I absolutely loved. There were lots of available women around every corner as it was in a very popular outlet mall. One day, this incredibly charismatic and attractive woman came in. We were both smiling and couldn’t stop looking at each other – my heart was pounding and I became this giggling little kid unable to hide his nervousness.
We talked for around twenty minutes and finally, she said she had to go because she was shopping with her mother and had to meet back up with her. She walked out and I thought, “No…how does this happen to me?”
I wished she would come back and I waited, pacing the floor; staring out the front window…hoping. Finally, I decided to give up and started to straighten up some shelves. Suddenly, she walked back in with her mother; catching me off guard. The three of us had a fantastic conversation – intense but fun questions and answers flying about – it was absolute fun!
Her mother, almost on cue, said goodbye and left her daughter to chat with me a little longer. What a great mom she had! I knew I had to take action right then. I told her, “When you left earlier, I was devastated…even though I just met you. Right now, my heart is beating so fast, I can barely talk…”
Her face became flushed in crimson – I knew mine was too but I somehow asked her, “Would you…”
She cut me off, blurting out, “YES! I will go out with you…hahaha!”
We both exploded in laughter…tears welled up in her eyes and I walked over and asked her if I could hug her before she left – she threw her arms around me and I held her for what seemed like hours. Her mother popped up, gawking through the window at us…leaving us both red faced and intoxicated with infatuation.
We dated for a brief period of time after that. Really, it was quite wonderful and I will never forget her. I was calling her endlessly for weeks but noticed that she never called me. I wondered what would happen if I stopped calling her. Would she call me? Would she forget about me? It was something I really needed to know. I didn’t want to ask her because I felt like actions speak much louder than words.
One day, I stopped calling her. Several days went by and I incessantly thought for sure she would call me back. That was seven years ago…I never heard from her again. What she never knew, was that I fell in love with her the day I met her. It’s a beautifully somber memory to have – though I did get over it – I often wonder what became of her.
Dealing With Depression
Feb 15
This has been a rough few months for me personally though I fake being happy everyday of my life. You smile at people, exchanging niceties all the while your world is falling apart. You pretend everything is alright even though – deep inside, you know it isn’t.
I’ve been taking a break from blogging because of dealing with depression. I used to share extremely intimate outpourings here and I have made many mistakes of getting way too personal. I’ve read where many people say you should draw a line on just how personal you get here; I definitely agree with that.
I have taken 3 different anti-depressant medications over the past several months and each seemed to work somewhat effectively for a little while but then they seem to make things worse. I have had really bad effects from these drugs, some of them I couldn’t tolerate.
If I feel like I’m going to cry, I can’t. It’s like some strange cerebral shield has overtaken my emotions. It’s like having the instinctual desire to scream in fear but you don’t as to avoid giving up your position, like in a war where enemy soldiers are hunting you down. You want to laugh but something so unfunny is keeping you from it but you don’t know what it is.
The drugs make me feel as if I’m under a powerful control, one that freezes my emotions. One feeling remains during all this, a terrifying sadness that seems to permeate my entire being. Little things that normally wouldn’t register become magnified to the point of absolute insanity – yet I cannot cry, get mad, laugh it off or forget it! It’s a feeling I just cannot deal with.
Depression, in my case, usually comes out of the blue while in the midst of feeling great and is completely unprovoked. After that point, every little thing triggers a worsened condition. I know I probably have a brain chemistry imbalance (which 7 different doctors have agreed upon), but the medications seem to only make it worse.
I have decided to stop these medications and go a natural route like I did for twenty or so years before I received medical help (plus it’s just too expensive). I am armed with much new knowledge than ever before. I believe that I will be successful in dealing with these problems and will take any good advice from anyone who has some.
I apologize for not visiting many people the past several days, but I really needed a break. My weekly “Bobby’s Batch” will be postponed until later next week. Thanks so much to all my friends who are so supportive of me. After 15 days of not taking my meds, I’m finally feeling normal again!
